Showing posts with label I Want My Mommy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label I Want My Mommy. Show all posts

Wednesday, 26 October 2016

Last Night at Gunner's Wood

The first paragraph is a status I posted online that someone said sounded like the start of a story. Here is that story.


Because of improv, the first thing a stranger asked me today was ‘didn’t I see you get murdered in the woods?’. At least I HOPE that was because of improv.

I laugh (too loudly) and pretend to read my paper when in reality I was trying to figure out how long until the bus' next stop.

‘No, seriously’, the randomer insists, ‘were you near Gunner’s Wood last night?’

I faux-casually look up as if noticing her for the first time. ‘Me? No… Stayed home. Bake Off night.’

The bus pulls in. Finally. I leap up, then turn back as I walk off. ‘Sorry!’

*

After my show that evening, keen to avoid the risk of bumping into her again, I book a taxi to take me home.

As we take a series of seemingly endless country roads, I can’t help but worry if the woman had in fact witnessed a murder (if not actually my own). Eventually I decide I have to find out for myself.

‘Could we, er, divert via Gunner’s Wood?’

My driver nods, silently spins the wheel, and flicks on his indicators.

Am I really doing this? Should I be doing this? Let’s do this.

‘Stop here, please.’

We have reached the start of the woods. I get out. ‘Keep the meter running. I’ll only be a minute.’

I rush in searching for freshly turned over soil, dark stains, scraps of cloth. If something had happened here, there had to be an obvious sign.

After spotting nothing, I realise I’m paranoid. This is nonsense. Of course there was nothing. The woman must have seen me in a gig. Either that or she’s a rambling bumpkin who’s had one too many –

Hang on. Is that a finger poking out the ground? I bend down to examine it.

The crunch of leaves behind me suggests I’m not alone. I look. It’s my driver.

‘It’s fine, I’m coming back. You’ll get your money.’

‘Oh, I’m not too worried about that, sir. I was more thinking about who you’re going to tell about finding my ex-wife.’

‘Your… Oh, I’m terribly sorry. How did she –’

‘Painfully and slowly. Just how I wanted.’ He grins, revealing two rows of sharp teeth. I know now I should have stayed in the car.

I stand, put my hands up. ‘I’ll tell no one, I swear.’

‘You’re damn right you won’t…’ He draws out a long knife.

As he advances towards me, over his shoulder, I see a bus drive by. And, if I’m not mistaken, looking through one of the windows, is an old woman simply mouthing the word ‘sorry’.

Monday, 5 May 2014

That's so Nineties.

I went through my childhood bedroom and found...

BERT REALLY LET HIMSELF GO AFTER ERNIE LEFT
I DO THE MOST ABSTRACT SNOWFLAKES
THE GHOST OF SOOTY
MY MOTHER WAS A GIANT

LIVING IN A RURAL VILLAGE DIDN'T HELP ME IDENTIFY ANIMALS

FICTION DOESN'T HAVE TO BE PLAUSIBLE

KEEPING UP WITH TECHNOLOGY WAS NEVER MY PRIORITY

PIKACHU'S 'BEFORE' AND 'AFTER' WEIGHT LOSS SHOTS

AND...
THE HORROR, THE HORROR...

Friday, 13 April 2012

On second thoughts, let's not meet the Muppets...

The Muppets are pretty sweet, right? They're a lovable, friendly bunch of try-hards with hearts of gold who just want to put on a good show. The appeal of their amusing antics crosses generations worldwide. They represent plain ole wholesome family fun. All in all, they're adorable.

Or so I thought until coming face to face with the following in a toy outlet recently:

Obviously one heckle too many had made Fozzie snap.
Honestly, that's terrifying. When comedians claim to have 'killed' at successful gigs, I used to doubt that's intended literally. Judging by Fozzie's expression, I'm now not so sure. Seriously, I don't know whether the designers were going for vengeful aggression, but my goodness, that's certainly what they've achieved. You definitely wouldn't want that in bed next to you.

On the plus side, if you're ever looking for a gift for someone you hate...