This Ad's Use of Punctuation is "Good"

Are the double speech-marks meant to suggest this message is sarcastic? If so, that means...

There isn't an "offer".

Even if there was, you can't get it "often".

Which is most likely due to it not being "available".

Why would anyone shop here? I can only guess that the mythical rare offer must be AMAZING. And not "amazing".

Brought to Book

If advertisements in train stations are anything to go by, books are as good as films. No, honestly. I mean, you just have to look at the posters up for the latest publications to see that there's been a conscious effort to make them look as exciting as a blockbuster.

Take the following for instance. I recently saw a text being advertised with the moviesque slogan that starts 'SHE WAS MARRIED TO THE MAN SHE LOVED...'

Ooh, you can just hear the deep gravelly voice of the announcer over the trailer, can't you? That sentence alone sounds like we're in for something intriguing. Unfortunately, the advertising PR guys behind this couldn't make good on a decent second half, and so the logline continues with the decidely less exciting 'BUT HE WAS MARRIED TO HIS JOB'.

Oh. Is that it? That's his problem, he's a bit too keen on his 9-5? There's nothing wrong with that. I bet more employers would love someone who's that keen and dedicated. Really it's people like him who will pull the country out of recession through his positive attitude and enthusiasm. Honestly, I don't know why This attention to his career is the selling point of your story. Sorry, what's the title of it again?

Soldier's Wife.

Now that's exciting! I would have led with that as the point of my campaign, to be honest. Adventurous types love the army! That suggests guns and fighting and blood. As for the Wife part, well, that implies relationships and emotions and marriage and all the things that makes us softies cry. You'll attract everyone if they know that's the title! Come on publishers, rewrite your ad so there's more focus on the fact he's in the forces!

Or just make the book into a film.

Coming soon to an Internet near you: eBaby.

So apparently Amazon sell babies now.

Before you stop reading on the grounds that you think I'm keen to get a conspiracy theory going, let me reassure you that I only tried to do that once, but the whole "bananas don't exist" idea turned out to be a dead end.

Anyway, I have proof of this Amazon thing. In fact, they're pretty blatant about it. They've even started emailing people about this new venture. How do I know? Well, what follows is a genuine picture I saw whilst skimming through my inbox. The only explanation for it I can think of is that Amazon are branching out into discount kids.



Is it Buy One, Get One Free?

On second thoughts, maybe they were attempting a poor pun on the word 'delivery'. Ah. Perhaps I shouldn't have sent them that scathing letter. Oh well, you live and you learn...

This blog courtesy of Writer Brendan

You need many things to succeed in show biz. A combination of luck and talent. The desire to perform. Compromising photos of various producers. What also helps is a kickass name.

You've got to have something memorable. For example, 'Norma Jean Mortenson' is certainly that, but for all the wrong reasons. It's only when Ms Mortenson became Marilyn Monroe that people really started paying attention. It's a great name for a star - 'Marilyn' sounds like someone glamorous. 'Norma' sounds like she should be taking trash out to the bins round the back of a diner.

Anyway, this is all a roundabout way of getting round to talking about someone who obviously hadn't thought about what title would look good on posters or draw in a crowd. This person really hasn't a clue when it comes to advertising themselves because the moniker they'd chosen for themselves was...

Magic Dave.

Ooh, sounds exciting, doesn't he? I bet the punters are really going to flock to see him in Vegas.

Seriously, Magic Dave? That's the least exciting bit of branding since Jif became Cif. You can't simply stick a word related to your act to your name. Do I go around calling myself Laughs Brendan? No, because that would be idiotic. Also, it reads like an out of order stage direction. Magic Dave is not a good name. You can't call yourself 'Magic', you have to earn that description.

Also, 'Dave'. Dave, like Norma, isn't exactly a name you expect to see up in lights. On the chalk board to next play snooker perhaps, but not one you'd see above the theatre doors. Believe me, David Copperfield would not sell as many tickets if he was billed as 'Dave'. Dave is not a magician, it's a TV channel of blokey shows. If you're going to stick to being known as Dave, your repartee better be pretty funny. If it's not, I certainly won't be Laughs Brendan.

The problem with Digestives (and no, it's not the unappealing name).

Other brands are available.

Does anything unusual strike you about this packet?

No? Well, let's take a little closer look then, shall we?

These questions are all, of course, rhetorical - YOU HAVE NO CHOICE IN THE MATTER.

Anyway, observe:

No, it's not that the flag now has brown stripes instead of blue
(although that is quite distressing).

See the problem now? McVities have only been proud to be British since 1892! What on earth did their branding say before that - 'Largely indifferent to nationality since 0 B.C.'? How come they're so late to the patriotic party? Were they were too preoccupied with figuring out the chocolate to biscuit ratio that results in maximum yumminess and dunkability that they simply forgot to acknowledge that they appreciated being part of the Empire? How dare they! I used to think they were British enough fare to warrant inclusion in Danny Boyle's opening ceremony, but now I'm not so sure...

On second thoughts, maybe McVities didn't exist until 1892. If that's the case, perhaps they can be forgiven.

FOR NOW!

Better put this amongst the post for my other flatmates - Home Owner and Whom It May Concern...

We received this in the post recently (I say 'recently' - it was actually about four months ago, but that's besides the point) and I cannot help but have questions.

First off, am I to disregard this postcard if my feelings for the Italian staple are anything short of love? What if I really really appreciate a good pizza, but only to the extent of liking it an awful lot? Does this mean I should chuck out this thinly-disguised ad, or perhaps seek out people who better fit the recipient description? Maybe it would be best if I left it on the side, and never ate, touched, or thought about another pizza again until these issues are resolved.

Man, all this pondering is really making me hungry. You know what I could really go for right now?

Pasta.

At best, I find them mildly amusing.

Up until today, I had no idea what I was doing for Jubilee weekend - that is, until, I recieved this in the post:

Animals not to scale (I hope).

Of course! How better to mark sixty years of the queen's reign than by taking in some farmers and falcolnry for three days of good old-fashioned country fun? It's certainly not a patch on what her maj will be doing, no siree. Yes, she can keep her star-studded concert, new massive yacht, and piles of presents, because we've got ferret racing.

Yes, one of the attractions, amongst tractor demonstrations, puppets shows, and something called gundog scurries, is ferret racing. Wow. Whoever said new technologies had dulled our minds certainly was wrong, eh?

Mind you, that's not the most worrying amusement at this supposedly superb family day out. One particular image in this extensive leaflet appears to have been put in at random as it does not seem to correspond to any of the fun-filled activities listed below. See if you can spot it.

I've never flown a hawk before. I've ridden a plane though.

I am, of course, referring to this:

'Yep, that's, er, definitely a rabbit.'

What exactly is going on here? Are the 'fur and feather marquees', instead of being tents made of animal coats, set up for this sort of display? Did this vet (I'm hoping he's a vet, rather than just some bloke in a lab coat) bring the bunny, or do people take their pets to him to be identified? Is he in fact a butcher considering how long to cook the furry thing? This photo raises all sorts of questions without ever hinting at an answer.

That's not the best picture though. The award for most baffling image must go to this:

I have never seen someone so captivated by an angling demonstration. He must be faking it. Maybe he was promised sweets if he can make fishing appeal to his peers. Either way, I'm convinced - I'm booking my advanced ticket straight away.

As for the best line, well, that goes to a little phrase that convinces me that the editor was ensuring each section hit a certain word count. After all, why on earth would you make such an outrageous sweeping statement as...

Insurance agency 'Hollow Cost' was a close second.

Imagine, if you will, that you have decided to open some sort of shop for joggers. I don't know why you would want to, perhaps you like serving fit freaks, but just imagine for a second that you have the motivation. Now, what should you call this venture? What name would perfectly convey the nature of your wares and the service your outlet provides?

Hmm, this is tricky. It's definitely something that you would need to spend a long time mulling over - after all, this isn't the sort of decision to make lightly, is it? Whatever you pick has to be memorable, concise, a little bit clever, and definitely not at all like this:

For all your perspiration needs!

Ouch. They really did not think that one through, did they? That seriously has to be the all-time winner of the Worst Branding Ever Award. I mean, associations of labourers working for pennies a day in miserable conditions aside, the name is so vague that they have to clarify what they do with a subtitle. That's how much confidence they have in their company name. You don't see Waterstones and their like captioning their signs with 'we do books'.

This shop's slogan is 'we know running'. Not only does that incredibly undersell their stores, it also gives the impression that the place is a consultancy. Without the logline, it suggests that bags of sweat are for sale. With it, it sounds like they give advice on what stretches are best before marathons. It's a terrible name.

Think I can't come up with a better one? Well, I can. I would have gone for something quirky like Legs on Toast, or, if they just sold shoes, Personal Trainers. You could even go for something sexy like Truth or Lycra - that one would appeal to the buff superhero buffs.

Seriously, go with any of those, and this shop would be every runner's first place.