Time to Party

Back to the Future Day is finally here. Do you know what that means? People will finally stop posting memes with the wrong date. Also I’ve a decent excuse to write about what I consider to be the best film trilogy of all time.

Yeah, that’s right, forget Star Wars. It doesn’t have a dog called Einstein. Although Back to the Future does have Darth Vader…

Image copyright: Universal.

Yes, we are now in 2015, the year Marty travelled to from 1985, and whilst we have video phone calls, are working on hover boards, and did get a 3D version of Jaws, we still don’t have flying cars. We also, thanks to Robert Zemeckis and Bob Gale retaining the rights, have yet to get a new reboot or sequel to the BTTF series, thus allowing the franchise’s legacy to remain untarnished.

Thank goodness they’ve kept their integrity because, despite being thirty years old, these great movies are still inspiring people today. The band McFly and rapper Doc Brown took their name from the protagonists, a Bizarro World version of the central duo is presented in Rick and Morty, and there 'it's your cousin, Marvin' has become a popular setup for jokes on Twitter. There is clearly a lot of lingering love for this franchise.

And yet the original was never guaranteed to be a success. I mean, consider the pitch – there’s a stereotypical bug-eyed wild haired mad scientist, horny teen hitting on her own son, and that most cheesy of tropes, saying the title within the film. If the makers had misjudged the tone, this could have been the best Worst B-Movie Ever. Instead the humour’s just right, the caricature’s restrained, and it’s a brilliant piece. Indeed, that first film is as close to perfect as possible.

"Seriously, this guy's one of our heroes? Uh, we'll pass." - What some exec thankfully didn't say.

Picture copyright: Universal

As a writer, I massively appreciate callbacks and satisfying payoffs. It’s why I like improv, detective stories, and stand up. It’s also why I’m such a huge fan of Back to the Future. As with the other screenplay I consider exceptional, A Bug’s Life, every line in the first in the trilogy serves a purpose. Each bit of dialogue is a joke, foreshadowing, or back reference.  There is not an inch of fat on that script. It really should be studied in schools.

If ever you wanted further proof of the series’ power, I need only offer its continued ability to thrill. As I enjoy the movies so much, I have seen them all multiple times (in fact, they were the first films I saw in 2012) and yet I still get excited at the tinkly twinkly score that hints that something magical is about to occur.

I experienced the epitome of this euphoria these cult classics inspire on Saturday 30^th September 2014. Secret Cinema, an events company that shows famous movies within extensive recreations of the sets, had set up 1950s Hill Valley in a shopping centre car park complete with an in-character cast lip-synching and mirroring their counterparts in the first film. We were encouraged to dress in accordance with the era; I essentially went as The Fonz.

Just about hidden from view: the not-so-195s camera.

As we sat in the town square during the screening, the car chases happened around us , Doc zip-wired down from the clock tower, and we whooped at the debut of the DeLorean. That was all well and nice, but the moment at which I was convinced of the movie’s power, the instance I truly celebrated, was an old-fashioned demonstration of good triumphing over evil, brains defeating brawn, George smacking Biff.

The tension before he felled him was palpable. For one of the few times that evening, my eyes were firmly on the stage and not the frames I’d seen so many times before. To see the rivals stand-off in 3D reinforced the significance of what was at stake. It is perhaps this scene, more than any across the series, hammers home how a single split-second decision can change the outcome of your life.

When the punch came, we cheered. My friend besides me actually stood up and applauded. We got such a rush. It didn’t matter that this showdown wasn’t new to us – we were pumped.

And that’s the sign of an incredible movie – you can revisit it endlessly and still be moved.

Happy BTTF Day everyone.  Remember, your future hasn’t been written yet, so make it a good one!

Let the Cry Fall... (AKA an intro to - what would have been - Episode Seven of 'The Film Show'.)

In a previous post, I imagined what would have happened in a further episode of my podcast, The Film Show, had I brought the old team back together again for one last glorious mission show.

On 13th November 2012, I no longer had to imagine.

In early 2013, I still no longer had to imagine, but was left without any evidence of said reunion because, just days before I received a belated Christmas present of an external hard drive, my computer crashed. Sod's law/That's always the way/etc etc.

Episode 7 was a beauty and words cannot express how I feel about its loss - well, there are certain words I could use, but they're not exactly suitable for what usually is a blog that warrants, at most, a 12A certificate and a cautious parent reading over your shoulder. Heck, even my attempt at erotica would only be deemed to have "mild sexual references".

I digress.

If there's anything that can be learnt from this, it's that history repeats itself. The opening ten minutes of Episode One were lost due to technical difficulties, the whole first half of Episode 6 was lost due to technical difficulties, and now the whole of Episode 7 has been lost to technical difficulties. Goodness knows what would happen if we ever attempted an Episode 8 - perhaps we would end up erased from existence.

Regardless, luckily I, unlike my repaired laptop, have my memory intact so can recall some of the highlights of Episode 007, our show on Skyfall, and our James Bond Special.

For all those unsure, yes, each of those are the same thing.

Anyway, the memories...


*James admits he tried out MI5's online test to determine whether he'd be a decent agent. He then jokes he doesn't trust himself with his own personal information

*Chris recalls watching a man describing his age via the phrase 'in Batmans, I'm 7'

*We count Blofelds

*James says he watched the whole of Skyfall looking out for Albert Finney. When the cast list comes up at the end, he realises that Albert Finney, funnily enough, was the one that looked like Albert Finney

*With the panelists currently drawing at Taglines 3-3, it's all to play for in this deciding game. James sweeps the board and is rewarded with an ultra-special once-in-a-lifetime(so-it'll-be-a-pity-that-it's-lost) prize - he'll get to read the final credits in the style of an Oscar acceptance speech

*Following the (then)recent acquisition of Lucasfilms by Disney, we debate which other franchises should be snapped up. The gist is nobody should touch Ghostbusters (if someone did, who would you call?)

*It comes as a surprise to no one that Skyfall is top of the box office that week. Well, it's never a surprise to me - I write the flipping show

*James serenades us with a near-unrecognisable rendition of Ode to Joy during our segment on Die Hard 5 thus ensuring we don't have to pay royalties

*James criticises the credits whilst he's reading them. The final people thanked are Bruce Willis ("because he's awesome") and, of course, "your mom" (which James misinterprets as an immature 'yo mamma'-type comment)


And that's it. The recording ran for well over an hour and a half. Editing would have reduced it to a manageable hour. Unfortunately, the laptop seemed to think its runtime should be zero minutes and no seconds. Brilliant.

Still, it's not all bad. If I thought the Episode 7 reunion was amazing, imagine how good an Episode 8 could be...

The notable exception to this trend is 'Toy Story' which obviously is awesome

There are many trilogies which have a belated third installment written long after anyone cares for, or indeed remembers, the first two. Bill and Ted and Ghostbusters are a pair of such franchises set to round things up with another episode a couple of decades too late, and now I shall join their illustrious ranks with an unwarranted not-at-all-sought-by-popular-demand follow-up to my 'things I have seen presented in the form of a list' series.

Yes, I have once again been out and about with a camera (not that we're dating, mind. That's just a vicious rumour), this time in the exotic locale of Portsmouth. It's home to Nelson's ship, HMS Victory, a museum dedicated to the ship, and an exhibit devoted to Nelson, so you might be thinking that they're a little obsessed with a boat. Well, you'd be wrong.

They're obsessed with loads of boats. All of these things are right next to the navy base as Portsmouth is a major port. Does this clash of geography lead to the armed forces regularly having to stop from their work of national importance in order to pose for pics with a cute elderly couple from Florida called Chuck and Nancy? Probably. Thank godness Area 51 doesn't have a gift shop then - we'd be swamped with aliens otherwise.

Anyway, my pictures. Here's what I saw around Portsmouth:

SOME OBVIOUS ADVICE

Guests should also avoid taking hot things out of the oven with their hands, and driving with their eyes shut.

 YE OLDE FIRE EXIT ABOARD HMS VICTORY

 THE LEAST THREATENING NAME FOR A SHIP EVER

 THE CUTEST NAME FOR A SHIP EVER

 A STONED SWIMMING FIGUREHEAD

 AND THE MOST ADORABLE SET
OF WOOD-EATING PESTS SINCE I PUT SOMBREROS
ON A COUPLE OF DEATH WATCH BEATLES.

Aww... Well, that's the end of another list. Will there be another? The answer is, like in the case of the aforementioned trilogies, only if the desperate attention-seeking people behind them want to rehash a successful formula in order to recapture their former glories.

That's a 'yes' then.

Spoiler Alert (AKA an intro to episode three of ‘The Film Show’)

First off, we’re sorry. We’re sorry, we’re sorry, we’re sorry, we’re sorry.

Yes, Episode Three is very much an apology special which sees us saying sorry for, amongst other things, seemingly unintentionally endorsing Mel Gibson’s alleged assault, making light of sex trafficking, and, worst of all, claiming that Robert Pattinson is an actor. If that's not enough apologies for you, then we’re sorry about that too.

One thing it appears we’re not remorseful about is repeatedly ruining the infamous twist ending of The Sixth Sense. In pretty much every other episode, including this one, we mention that Bruce Willis is, say, not of this world. Actually, that makes him sound like an alien, which is not the revelation at all (although it would be an apt start to Shyamalan’s increasingly ludicrous output). I’ve no idea why we kept coming back to that particular spoiler (generally we were quite good at not mentioning anything key from the latter half of movies), but then again, I don’t know why the mind-blowing climax to a thirteen year old film is so in the public domain. Saying that though, viewing The Sixth Sense whilst being aware of the big reveal has saved me from having to see it twice to spot the hints towards its surprise, thus giving me more time to, say, rewatch The Room.

Ah, The Room. After James’ mind-boggling description, I knew it was the sort of so-bad-it’s-good film that I would enjoy, so, as soon as it was screened at a local B-Movie double bill night that I frequented, I went along to see it. I was not disappointed (well, that is to say I was – it’s an atrocious bit of movie making – but, it is a must-see if you love car-crash cinema). Like The Rocky Horror Show, it has an established set of routines and rituals you do when watching this cult classic. Hence, when any of the picture frames with their sample photo of cutlery come into shot, you throw, and shout, “spoons!”. Honestly, it’s like being in a very disciplined angry mob, just waiting for their cue to hurl the flaming torches. Eventually, it becomes natural, something you do instinctively without thinking, like breaking into the lyrics of Duran Duran’s Rio.

I’m happy to say that Episode Three is not the only time you will hear that routine. It crops up again, and becomes somewhat of a recurring joke, because it just so happened that Rio repeatedly was in the Box Office top ten when we recorded shows, and we had yet to see it. I still have yet to see it. Why? Because BRUCE WILLIS IS A GHOST!

I’m so sorry.

CORRECTIONS

I did in fact watch Fight Club knowing the twist. I learnt it from a condensed two part parody on The Lee Mack Show in which Tyler Durden is Welsh, Marla joins the pair at the club, and there’s no real mention of Project Mayhem.  No prizes for guessing which version is closer to the novel.

Chris did not actually write the ‘punch you in the face’ line. He stayed up the previous night with several gag writers and that was their best effort.

Contrary to James’ assertion otherwise, Andie MacDowell is “worth it” - if by “worth it”, you mean “just as entitled to have clean silky smooth manageable hair as anyone else on this planet providing they can afford the pricey shampoo and conditioner combo.”.

Not taken a traffic cone. Have walked into a lampost though (AKA an intro to 'The Film Show').

Having spent the hottest day of the year so far in a small studio with no air-conditioning to record introductions to some year-old radio footage, you would think that I would leap at the chance to go outside and enjoy the sunshine whilst it lasts, but no. It turns out I’m exactly the sort of recluse who can lock himself away for hours on end, only really going out for sustenance and socialising. However, it wasn’t really a case of suffering for my art (indeed, if intentionally being antisocial can be classified as suffering, we might want to redefine the word) as I enjoyed the work and it means that the world can finally hear the classic comic commentary of The Film Show. What is this show and why am I so keen to get it out in the public domain? Well, what follows is some sort of explanation…

University is, famously, an environment in which to experiment. For some, this means trying out substances, confirming their sexual preferences, or finding out exactly how many pints it takes before you steal a traffic cone. For me though, it’s been the perfect place to try out different things creatively. Consequently, in little over two years, I’ve performed stand-up, written several tiny plays and monologues, directed my own audio version of A Christmas Carol, acted in pieces at the local Theatre Royal, put on sketches for a Jubilee street party, become one of the founding members of a flash fiction group, and hosted my own radio show all about films.

The latter came about through my joining the radio society with the intention of collaborating on a regular sketch show. Almost immediately, this fell through, and I became part of a panel show that went through various incarnations until it too was, like beers in a six pack, canned.  It was only when I pitched the idea of a review feature on films that I ended up with a vehicle that would last for six glorious practise episodes until, regrettably, multiple other commitments (including several of those in my extensive list above) meant that we never had the time to broadcast live.

But what a fantastic set of six it was! From episode one, the basic format was more or less in place. Every episode, I would lead a series of discussions with comedy night M.C., James, and (soon-to-be) fellow Flashnificent, Chris*, around a set classic film, such as Die Hard or Spiderman**, before discussing more topical stuff such as interesting new trailers, the latest box office top ten, and whether there should officially only be three Indiana Jones films. Off this loose structure, we frequently span off into fantastical tangents which would continue until we realised we were straying too far from the original topic (episode five is notable in that a show provisionally about The King’s Speech somehow sees our discussions repeatedly lead to talk of Liam Neeson) and hastily cut to a song in order to refocus.

You will find no such songs in the podcast version of The Film Show however as very few people would rather hear the Foo Fighters instead of a  conversation about Batman (again, a topic that bizarrely cropped up with remarkable regularity in the King’s Speech show). Plus, with them included in the programme, some episodes would be up to two hours long, and nobody wants to listen to something as lengthy as eight editions of The Archers***.

Also notably absent from these edited audio treasures is any nuggets of information that would overtly identify either the university or the society radio station (the latter of which is, as of time of writing, still running****). This is not in any way to disassociate the podcasts from these institutions that provided a home for such a show; it’s just a way to ensure that their reputation isn’t muddied by a couple of blokes who are perfectly content to talk about Liam Neeson for an hour and a half.

Unless someone tries to sue us for libel.

In which case, it was -

*Incidentally, our team came together when Chris told me that he’d disliked the host of our society fundraiser. That host was James. I mentioned we were doing a show together.  Chris said he'd be up for joining in. The rest is history – well, very minor little-reported history, that is. It’s not exactly going to make the next series by David Starkey or anything.

**Okay, so maybe I’m slightly stretching the meaning of the word ‘classic’…

***Similarly, no one would want to listen to The Archers if it lasted for two hours.

****Not that the university isn't still going. I just mean that the station and society hasn't since ceased to be or been shut down because somebody said 'sodding' whilst the mic was live.

The answers are of course 'don't be ridiculous, that's a stupid question', and 'yes, but only on Sundays'.

In a time when headlines about debt and despair dominate, it really would come as a huge surprise that someone didn't know the meaning of the word 'austerity'. However, a recent trend in Google searches suggests that the Americans have no clue - about the definition of 'austerity' that is, not in general.

Yes, apparently one of the most popular queries courtesy of our stateside cousins was 'what does austerity mean?'. This ignorance surely does not stem from a lack of education, but from the Yanks being used to having things so good. They have twenty-four hour malls, deep fried food by the bucketful, and walk amongst spray-tanned celebs - how can they possibly chuck in that lifestyle? After all, it would mean they'd have to, both figuratively and literally, considerably tighten their belts. For what must be the capitalism capital of the world, that's quite a big ask (which, incidentally, is the reason it's such a struggle for them to do up that belt).

Of course, what's slightly more worrying is that Google is now our first port of call for all knowledge. This is presumably because you can ask it anything without fear of judgement, hence why you frequently get the search bar suggesting outrageous questions such as whether you can get pregnant via your dog, and if rainbows taste of sugar. No wonder Ask Jeeves' Jeeves considered retirement.

I say this trend is worrying only because, thanks to several sci-fi films, I've learnt about the dangers of robots getting artificial intelligence. By feeding the Google machine our stupid questions, it's revealing where there is gaps in our knowledge. Once they've gained this invaluable information, they could choose which suggestions crop up when we are inputting our latest mystery. Instead of finding out what we wanted (say, the name of the pink Powerpuff Girl), we could be directed to links persuading us that a life under the rule of metallic overlords would be blissful, stress free, and only entail the odd bit of buffing. Before you know it, the whole population would be enslaved and forced to survive on a handful of DVD shrapnel a day, and nobody wants that. On the plus side though, it would certainly teach the Americans the meaning of austerity...