Whilst working in a canteen, a customer asked me whether it
mattered which end of the line was the beginning. Whilst this is an innocuous
enough enquiry, it betrays a fundamental misunderstanding of how queues work.
We Brits invented queues because there’s nothing we like more than order,
politely taking turns, and insisting someone else go first. The result? We
disregard which end is the head and which is the tail, and we would have complete
anarchy.
If who’s at the front is irrelevant, then it would come down
to who shouts the loudest. There would be pushing and shoving to ensure you are
heard and others are muffled. Fights would ensue and workers would struggle to
break them up given that we will do almost anything if there’s a decent cup of
tea up for grabs (or, in fact, any tea. We’re not picky unless it’s the
Americans’ idea of a brew in which case “I’m fine for now, thanks”).
Said workers would, perhaps unsurprisingly, need time off
for the stress brought on by seeing forty day trippers kick each other in the
shins to stop some stranger get the last Earl Grey. Replacements would be
drafted in but soon their shifts would need covering too as once more the lack
of a queue results in fisticuffs. It’s an endless cycle that would admittedly
solve the national unemployment crisis by providing literally everyone in the
country with a job but soon we would all be on paid leave. Either
that or we’d be in what should be a queue.
With the entire nation getting compensation whilst off work,
the economy collapses. There’s mass layoffs – our employers can’t keep giving
us pay-outs. We go to the dole – there’s no money there either. All you have
now? That’s what you have to live on. It runs out and you have to steal in
order to survive.
Don’t worry though – the police won’t stop you. No,
remember, they were laid off too (besides, no one has faith in them anymore –
they couldn’t even stop fights in queues). You can do what you want if you can
get away fast enough. In a world without law enforcers, the quick are more
powerful than the rich.
If you can’t evade others though, you’re going to get
injured. Unfortunately, given that hospitals are out of action too (if you
thought the competition was heated for a cup of tea, imagine how intense it was
between those needing a kidney), you’ll have to stay hurt. For some, this risk
is too much so they never leave their house. Others take a chance and end up
limping for life. Nobody wins.
Civilisation ends. It would. If everyone is potentially
going to take your supplies, nobody has allies. Acquaintances don’t become
friends, friends don’t end up as couples, couples don’t start families
together. The human race dies out and all because we abolished the rules of queuing.
I didn’t tell the customer all of this of course. No, I just
pointed out she was at the wrong end and went back to work. They don’t pay me
to stand around you know…
