A Queue for Disaster

Whilst working in a canteen, a customer asked me whether it mattered which end of the line was the beginning. Whilst this is an innocuous enough enquiry, it betrays a fundamental misunderstanding of how queues work. We Brits invented queues because there’s nothing we like more than order, politely taking turns, and insisting someone else go first. The result? We disregard which end is the head and which is the tail, and we would have complete anarchy.

If who’s at the front is irrelevant, then it would come down to who shouts the loudest. There would be pushing and shoving to ensure you are heard and others are muffled. Fights would ensue and workers would struggle to break them up given that we will do almost anything if there’s a decent cup of tea up for grabs (or, in fact, any tea. We’re not picky unless it’s the Americans’ idea of a brew in which case “I’m fine for now, thanks”).

Said workers would, perhaps unsurprisingly, need time off for the stress brought on by seeing forty day trippers kick each other in the shins to stop some stranger get the last Earl Grey. Replacements would be drafted in but soon their shifts would need covering too as once more the lack of a queue results in fisticuffs. It’s an endless cycle that would admittedly solve the national unemployment crisis by providing literally everyone in the country with a job but soon we would all be on paid leave. Either that or we’d be in what should be a queue.

With the entire nation getting compensation whilst off work, the economy collapses. There’s mass layoffs – our employers can’t keep giving us pay-outs. We go to the dole – there’s no money there either. All you have now? That’s what you have to live on. It runs out and you have to steal in order to survive.

Don’t worry though – the police won’t stop you. No, remember, they were laid off too (besides, no one has faith in them anymore – they couldn’t even stop fights in queues). You can do what you want if you can get away fast enough. In a world without law enforcers, the quick are more powerful than the rich.

If you can’t evade others though, you’re going to get injured. Unfortunately, given that hospitals are out of action too (if you thought the competition was heated for a cup of tea, imagine how intense it was between those needing a kidney), you’ll have to stay hurt. For some, this risk is too much so they never leave their house. Others take a chance and end up limping for life. Nobody wins.

Civilisation ends. It would. If everyone is potentially going to take your supplies, nobody has allies. Acquaintances don’t become friends, friends don’t end up as couples, couples don’t start families together. The human race dies out and all because we abolished the rules of queuing.

I didn’t tell the customer all of this of course. No, I just pointed out she was at the wrong end and went back to work. They don’t pay me to stand around you know…