Fifty Shades of Way

My flatmate challenged me to write an erotic scene of no more than one hundred words. Not wanting to disappoint (and also hoping to start a run of pieces done on request to mark this blog hitting 1,234 views), I produced this. You'll be happy to know I didn't keep my original last line - 'Then we had lots of lovely lovely sex'.

I saw her from across the room. She sees me looking and smiles. I don’t know how to react. She gives me a little wave. I wave back. She comes over and touches my arm.

‘Do you want to get out of here?'

I gulp. I really really do. Should I go with this complete stranger? For all I know she could be a psychopath. She is quite attractive though so why not? After all, you only live once.

I turn to her and nod. She takes my hand and we run off upstairs to find ourselves a room…

Sorry for the Quality of this Apology

THINGS WORTH APOLOGISING FOR:

*Hitting someone

*Hitting someone with a car

*Hitting someone's car

*Hitting on someone's car

*Sleeping with someone else's car even though they're in a long-term relationship with it

*Unwittingly turning what should be a list of silly things into one involving intercourse with automobiles

*Unwittingly turning into a poodle

*Unwittingly turning a poodle into a cat

*Wittingly turning a poodle into a cat

*Wittily turning a poodle into a cat

*Wittily insulting someone and not meaning it

*Wittily insulting someone's loved one and not meaning it

*Not-so-wittily insulting someone or their loved one and not meaning it


THINGS NOT WORTH APOLOGISING FOR:

Updating a blog on a regular basis as it is a hobby and not something you've been paid to do or something you've been asked to do. You do not owe anybody anything. Stop saying 'sorry' - it's not as if you called someone's a nan a nincompoop. Thank you!

Coming soon to an Internet near you: eBaby.

So apparently Amazon sell babies now.

Before you stop reading on the grounds that you think I'm keen to get a conspiracy theory going, let me reassure you that I only tried to do that once, but the whole "bananas don't exist" idea turned out to be a dead end.

Anyway, I have proof of this Amazon thing. In fact, they're pretty blatant about it. They've even started emailing people about this new venture. How do I know? Well, what follows is a genuine picture I saw whilst skimming through my inbox. The only explanation for it I can think of is that Amazon are branching out into discount kids.



Is it Buy One, Get One Free?

On second thoughts, maybe they were attempting a poor pun on the word 'delivery'. Ah. Perhaps I shouldn't have sent them that scathing letter. Oh well, you live and you learn...

The notable exception to this trend is 'Toy Story' which obviously is awesome

There are many trilogies which have a belated third installment written long after anyone cares for, or indeed remembers, the first two. Bill and Ted and Ghostbusters are a pair of such franchises set to round things up with another episode a couple of decades too late, and now I shall join their illustrious ranks with an unwarranted not-at-all-sought-by-popular-demand follow-up to my 'things I have seen presented in the form of a list' series.

Yes, I have once again been out and about with a camera (not that we're dating, mind. That's just a vicious rumour), this time in the exotic locale of Portsmouth. It's home to Nelson's ship, HMS Victory, a museum dedicated to the ship, and an exhibit devoted to Nelson, so you might be thinking that they're a little obsessed with a boat. Well, you'd be wrong.

They're obsessed with loads of boats. All of these things are right next to the navy base as Portsmouth is a major port. Does this clash of geography lead to the armed forces regularly having to stop from their work of national importance in order to pose for pics with a cute elderly couple from Florida called Chuck and Nancy? Probably. Thank godness Area 51 doesn't have a gift shop then - we'd be swamped with aliens otherwise.

Anyway, my pictures. Here's what I saw around Portsmouth:

SOME OBVIOUS ADVICE

Guests should also avoid taking hot things out of the oven with their hands, and driving with their eyes shut.

 YE OLDE FIRE EXIT ABOARD HMS VICTORY

 THE LEAST THREATENING NAME FOR A SHIP EVER

 THE CUTEST NAME FOR A SHIP EVER

 A STONED SWIMMING FIGUREHEAD

 AND THE MOST ADORABLE SET
OF WOOD-EATING PESTS SINCE I PUT SOMBREROS
ON A COUPLE OF DEATH WATCH BEATLES.

Aww... Well, that's the end of another list. Will there be another? The answer is, like in the case of the aforementioned trilogies, only if the desperate attention-seeking people behind them want to rehash a successful formula in order to recapture their former glories.

That's a 'yes' then.

Given that I was in France, I also saw a lot of baguettes and cheese

If I've learnt anything from being a student, it's that lists are useful. If I had to stretch to a second thing, it would be that if you need something, you can probably find it in Poundland, but enough of my blatant attempt to get sponsorship from one of Britain's leading discount stores.

I recently (or, depending on when you're reading this, ages ago) posted a few photos from my holiday in France. Now, these were accompanied a list seemingly compiled by pulling words out of a hat.The following one, also of things I saw whilst across the Channel, promises more of the same, but without the pics. Oh, don't complain, just get on and read.

I saw...

*An octopus made of bread

*A combine harvester made of straw

*Stalactites

*Stalagmites

*One of the only cave-dwelling vertebrates in Europe

*A woman who evidently thought it was a good idea to bring her terrier on a cavern tour

*A road sign bearing the silhouette of a sheep

*A deck chair marked 'private'

*A road sign for a speed bump which had been altered to depict a snail

*A door knocker in the shape of a hand

And, finally...

*A beggar with a sign reassuring us that any money we gave him would be spent on alcohol and drugs


Yes, you're right. It was a lot better when there were pictures.

Reads like a 'Where's Wally' game held across the whole of France

One quality often identified in a good writer is that they are observant. I hadn't noticed.

Anyway, regardless, I have observed a lot of things whilst away (as opposed to a Way, which I've been all my life) in France, so I thought I'd share a few of the more quirky things with you. Why? Well, it means I get to show some of my holiday snaps, and you can get to see some interesting things without having to wait for me to work out when exactly it was I spotted a dead cat. Everybody wins!

Except the cat. Obviously.

Right, on with the list!

I saw...

A CONTRADICTORY REVIEW

 

A DISABLED KNIGHT

 A PLANT POT WITH A FACE

A HOUSE THAT LOOKS LIKE HITLER

THE WORLD'S MOST UNAPPEALING MANNEQUIN

AND THIS PIECE OF UNDERWHELMING GRAFFITI.

On second thought, it's probably a tribute to the deceased tabby. May they rest in peace.



This blog courtesy of Writer Brendan

You need many things to succeed in show biz. A combination of luck and talent. The desire to perform. Compromising photos of various producers. What also helps is a kickass name.

You've got to have something memorable. For example, 'Norma Jean Mortenson' is certainly that, but for all the wrong reasons. It's only when Ms Mortenson became Marilyn Monroe that people really started paying attention. It's a great name for a star - 'Marilyn' sounds like someone glamorous. 'Norma' sounds like she should be taking trash out to the bins round the back of a diner.

Anyway, this is all a roundabout way of getting round to talking about someone who obviously hadn't thought about what title would look good on posters or draw in a crowd. This person really hasn't a clue when it comes to advertising themselves because the moniker they'd chosen for themselves was...

Magic Dave.

Ooh, sounds exciting, doesn't he? I bet the punters are really going to flock to see him in Vegas.

Seriously, Magic Dave? That's the least exciting bit of branding since Jif became Cif. You can't simply stick a word related to your act to your name. Do I go around calling myself Laughs Brendan? No, because that would be idiotic. Also, it reads like an out of order stage direction. Magic Dave is not a good name. You can't call yourself 'Magic', you have to earn that description.

Also, 'Dave'. Dave, like Norma, isn't exactly a name you expect to see up in lights. On the chalk board to next play snooker perhaps, but not one you'd see above the theatre doors. Believe me, David Copperfield would not sell as many tickets if he was billed as 'Dave'. Dave is not a magician, it's a TV channel of blokey shows. If you're going to stick to being known as Dave, your repartee better be pretty funny. If it's not, I certainly won't be Laughs Brendan.