Brought to Book

If advertisements in train stations are anything to go by, books are as good as films. No, honestly. I mean, you just have to look at the posters up for the latest publications to see that there's been a conscious effort to make them look as exciting as a blockbuster.

Take the following for instance. I recently saw a text being advertised with the moviesque slogan that starts 'SHE WAS MARRIED TO THE MAN SHE LOVED...'

Ooh, you can just hear the deep gravelly voice of the announcer over the trailer, can't you? That sentence alone sounds like we're in for something intriguing. Unfortunately, the advertising PR guys behind this couldn't make good on a decent second half, and so the logline continues with the decidely less exciting 'BUT HE WAS MARRIED TO HIS JOB'.

Oh. Is that it? That's his problem, he's a bit too keen on his 9-5? There's nothing wrong with that. I bet more employers would love someone who's that keen and dedicated. Really it's people like him who will pull the country out of recession through his positive attitude and enthusiasm. Honestly, I don't know why This attention to his career is the selling point of your story. Sorry, what's the title of it again?

Soldier's Wife.

Now that's exciting! I would have led with that as the point of my campaign, to be honest. Adventurous types love the army! That suggests guns and fighting and blood. As for the Wife part, well, that implies relationships and emotions and marriage and all the things that makes us softies cry. You'll attract everyone if they know that's the title! Come on publishers, rewrite your ad so there's more focus on the fact he's in the forces!

Or just make the book into a film.

Fifty Shades of Way 2: Way-hey!

Having previously been challenged to write an erotic scene of no more than one hundred words (the result of which can be found here), I have since returned to cap off 2012 by producing this sequel. Why? To see if I could improve on a classic.

Well, that and it was pointed out to me that its predecessor was in fact not an erotic scene and merely a prelude to one. Anyway, here's my follow-up.

Once we finished up our foreplay, our bodies were glistening. Every part of me, apart from the obvious part, was relaxed, but soon it would offer no more resistance than the rest of me. I slipped myself in and we established instantly the first beat of the methodical rhythmical pounding that comes when two partners are so in sync.

Our tempo increases. Our moans grow louder. Both of us cry with ecstasy as we together achieve the release we desperately needed and sought in each other's arms.

It is over. In ten minutes, we shall do this all over again.

The Joke(r)'s On Me

The last thing the Joker remembered was falling.

As he came round to consciousness, he realised he was in unfamiliar surroundings. This new place was dark. Good. The Joker liked the dark. He could do a lot under the cover of shadows.

A very familiar voice pipes up behind him.

'Have a good sleep?' enquires the guttural rasp of the caped crusader. Before the Joker could reply with something equally sarky, another, more chirpy, voice chips in.

'Holy maniac, Batman! We've got the crazy clown.'

The dark knight sighed and turned to his young protege.

'Robin?'

'Yes, Batman?'

'What did we say about you talking during interrogations?'

The Boy Wonder strokes his hairless chin in thought.

'Hmm... Was it that I shouldn't do it?'

'Correct. Now shut it or I'll hit you, understood?'

Robin is about to agree but, upon seeing his mentor's raised backhand, settles on nodding instead. This settled, Batman returns his attention to the Joker. Leaning in so he is face to face with his insane nemesis, he drags a finger down his captive's forehead. This done, he pulls back slightly and looks at his prisoner with disgust.

'My god, you're greasy.'

Robin gasps. 'Holy Happy Meals! Maybe he's smuggling deep fat fryers to fast food fans?'

Batman whips round to his protege.

'Shut up!'

He slaps Robin firmly round the face. The boy collapses. He certainly won't be butting in for a while. Now Batman can fully focus on the Joker.

'Okay, Joker, what's the deal? Why are you so greasy?'

The villain grins. 'What, you think a guy can organise the destruction of the whole of Gotham without breaking a sweat? Give me a break. Most days I'm moister than a teenager's armpit.'

Batman shuddered. Now that was an image he'd be unlikely to forget. He tries to shake it off, then realises something.

'Hang on you fiend, sweat isn't the same as grease. What on earth is on your face?'

The Joker sniffs. Batman does the same. This time, he knows why there's an odd smell in the cave.

'Petrol.'

'Got it in one, Batfreak. I'm covered in fuel.'

'Why?'

'I've been nicking the mayor's automobiles and draining them.'

'But-'

The Joker shoots him a look to indicate he should be quiet now. He chuckles.

'Did I ever tell you how I got these cars?'

Both protagonist and antagonist are silent for a moment. After said moment, Batman speaks.

'I really hope the whole point of this story wasn't just to make that pun.'

'If it is, we should kill the writer.'

'Agreed.'

They wait. Neither has any bright ideas about how this plot progresses. Eventually, Batman unties the Joker.

'Okay, let's get that hack.'

'Alright! Can we take your car?'

'Only after you shower. I don't want you dripping on the seats.'

'Okay.'

The two sworn enemies walk out united by a common cause: the desire to whup my ass. Oh, this is going to be so cool...



This story was produced after someone challenged me to write a situation in which Batman says to the Joker 'My god, you're greasy'. Following this, another person asked for the 'Shut up'/Robin slap to be incorporated too.

The pun was entirely my idea.

Have I Got Muse(ums) For You! - Part Two

In Part One, I was in London's Natural History Museum. In Part Two, I'm in London's Science Museum. Well, obviously, I'm not still there. I definitely did not hide in their Apollo 10 command module around closing time in order to write this blog on location.

Anyway, whilst I was/am there, I saw some things. They include...



MUGS WITH ATTITUDE.

THE WORLD'S BIGGEST ENGAGEMENT RING.

A SURPRISINGLY TACKY SPACE SHUTTLE.

THE MOST INTIMIDATING-LOOKING FRIENDLY FACE EVER.

AND THE CAST OF SOMEONE WHOSE DOCTOR CLEARLY HAS COLD HANDS.

That's all for now. I've got to run from security. Wish me luck!

Have I Got Muse(ums) For You - Part One!

This fourth entry in my occasional Things I Have Seen Presented In The Form Of A List series is a bumper two parter because I recently went to see two museums in a day and so saw twice as many things! Hooray! Does that increase the likelihood of me seeing something interesting? Probably! Will you stay until the end of this post to find out? Probably not!

Regardless, let's start at London's Natural History Museum. I saw...

SOME ART THAT'S REALLY CRAP.

A BUTTON THAT MUST NEVER BE PRESSED.

Seriously, whoever invented this was really irresponsible.

SOME SORT OF TIME MACHINE.

A SIGN INDICATING WHERE TO FIND GIANT PALEONTOLOGISTS.

AND A WOMAN WHO FEELS THE NEED TO SHOW WHERE HER DOG IS.

In Part Two, you'll see images from London's Science Museum. It was there I spent most of my visit compulsively hummed the theme to Back to the Future. Great Scott! Anyway, those pics coming soon...

Fifty Shades of Way

My flatmate challenged me to write an erotic scene of no more than one hundred words. Not wanting to disappoint (and also hoping to start a run of pieces done on request to mark this blog hitting 1,234 views), I produced this. You'll be happy to know I didn't keep my original last line - 'Then we had lots of lovely lovely sex'.

I saw her from across the room. She sees me looking and smiles. I don’t know how to react. She gives me a little wave. I wave back. She comes over and touches my arm.

‘Do you want to get out of here?'

I gulp. I really really do. Should I go with this complete stranger? For all I know she could be a psychopath. She is quite attractive though so why not? After all, you only live once.

I turn to her and nod. She takes my hand and we run off upstairs to find ourselves a room…

Sorry for the Quality of this Apology

THINGS WORTH APOLOGISING FOR:

*Hitting someone

*Hitting someone with a car

*Hitting someone's car

*Hitting on someone's car

*Sleeping with someone else's car even though they're in a long-term relationship with it

*Unwittingly turning what should be a list of silly things into one involving intercourse with automobiles

*Unwittingly turning into a poodle

*Unwittingly turning a poodle into a cat

*Wittingly turning a poodle into a cat

*Wittily turning a poodle into a cat

*Wittily insulting someone and not meaning it

*Wittily insulting someone's loved one and not meaning it

*Not-so-wittily insulting someone or their loved one and not meaning it


THINGS NOT WORTH APOLOGISING FOR:

Updating a blog on a regular basis as it is a hobby and not something you've been paid to do or something you've been asked to do. You do not owe anybody anything. Stop saying 'sorry' - it's not as if you called someone's a nan a nincompoop. Thank you!