Passed A Way: Guidelines for my Funeral

If you are reading this, either I am dead or you are rifling through my stuff.

SHOO! Get out of it.

Now that has wheedled out the lookie-loos, let us move onto the business at hand. I am dead. Hopefully from passing away peacefully in my sleep after a wonderful day spent with loved ones. Or from falling off stage after attempting a pratfall too athletic for my advanced years. Either/or.

Anyway, I'm gone now, so at least one (1) person will be tasked with summarising my life in a way that makes it sound mildly interesting. I won't be around to hear it, of course (which is a shame because I do so love praise), but I can still provide some tips, so you can truly know 'this is what he would have wanted'. Besides from getting to be alive longer.

Anyway, here are my guidelines. Follow them if you don't want to be haunted.

If foul play in my demise is suspected, start by announcing 'someone in this room is a murderer'. Even if this turns out not to be true, saying the phrase will give you chills.

While I have long established that a love of Scooby Doo is part of my personal "brand", at no point during your tribute should you say 'ruh roh', 'jinkies', 'jeepers', or 'zoinks'.

Do not allude to my secret second family. Do conclude that the true treasure was the family we found on the way. Related: do not reveal where I stashed the actual treasure.

You are limited to one pun based on my surname. If multiple people are giving speeches, swap notes before the service to check you're not using the same one.

No podcast clips. Listening to one en masse is weird. Podcasts are for headphones, car journeys, or playing aloud at home as if it's radio.

If speeches are running long, please play people off like they do at the Oscars, albeit using 'Mahna Mahna', the song from The Muppets. Incidentally, puppets are not banned from the ceremony and are, in fact, encouraged.

No use of any pre-university nicknames. My grandma does not need to know why I was called Squeaky Bubble Butt.

Do not refer to the Swedish Motorway Incident.

Do refer to my luscious fringe.

And if someone reacted suspiciously to the line about murder, hire four teens and a dog to investigate.

Good for Them. That's Not for Me: Dealing with Other People's Success

Because I am not a monster, whenever I see someone announce a recent success, I think ‘well done’. My second instinctual response is far less wholesome. It is ‘now why didn’t I get that?’. Even if I had access to similar opportunities, I feel resentful that I missed out. Your win is somehow my loss. 

It is an ugly attitude of “they’ve got nice things. Why don’t I have nice things?”. Like a child put out that they do not get a present when it’s someone else’s birthday. 

What I rarely consider in that moment is whether I even want to be doing what they are doing. I also forget that I have my own nice things.

We should remember that often we do not know what people have given up in order to get their little victory. Marathon runners have limited diets and strict bedtimes. Any touring act misses a lot of weddings. 

Nor do we consider that the achievement is a fleeting thing instead of a perpetual plus. Anyone who wins an Academy Award has spent years being rejected, ripped off, and objectified. It must feel incredible in the moment. All your hard work paid off! You are guaranteed to make international headlines the next day. 

Within a year, your name will be just an answer in a pub quiz. 

It is important to remember that Facebook and Instagram are essentially people's highlight reels (Twitter, however, is a million anxious voices chronicling their stress in real time). It is a version of someone’s life that they have consciously curated, edited, and presented. You are not getting the full picture. Married couples still have fights. You do not want to know how many takes was needed to get that lovely family photo with the kids. 

I keep all this in mind whenever I see someone else celebrating. I try to face it with an attitude best encapsulated in a simple motto. 

Good for them. That’s not for me. 

In other words, I delight in my friends and colleagues reaching a goal. I have used the Love reaction on so many statuses that I potentially rendered the word meaningless and now need a completely different one. Or I have limitless capacity for love. Either/or. 

However, I not only recognise their significant achievement, but I also accept that I may not want it for myself. YOU go climb Everest/run a marathon/join that opera company. That's not one of my #lifegoals. While you chase your dream, I will be at home, content with my lot. You go after the Oscar. I’ll do the pub quiz.

THE BOOTH - 3.01 - Nicknames

THEME: Nicknames.

WHO'S IN?: Much to Brendan’s surprise, Clare and Dan are still both here.

WHAT DO WE KNOW ABOUT THE BOOTH?:

It has somehow taken fourteen episodes to reveal that all downtime between shows is spent trying to identify Jack the Ripper. To help with the investigation, the studio is decked out in charts and maps. Clare and Brendan are both wearing Victorian dresses. There is a mannequin with the face of Antosh Wojcik.

FIRST TIME FOR EVERYTHING: upon learning that their scores are tied, the panelists agree to end the episode on a draw.

SIX DEGREES OF THE BOOTH: There are multiple callbacks to the summer special (which Dan repeatedly encourages you all to listen to).

NEXT UP: like everything else in the world, all plans for future podcasts are on hold. In the meantime, check out Dead Drunk Detective, the podcast I plugged at the end of this show. There are four whole series of that to listen to if you’ve not got much else on…

This episode can be found for free here.

Five Things to Know about Improv: what I have learnt from half a decade of making stuff up

I have now been an improviser for five years. In that half decade, I have taken shows to festivals, co-hosted one of London’s longest-running jams, and played so many talking animals that I am probably owed a visit from Doctor Doolittle. I have now seen countless hours of people making stuff up in pub theatres across the capital (and done a fair bit of it myself).

However, the intangible nature of the form means you always have more to learn. You are never a finished product. I have gained a little insight into the art though. Here are five important things I have learnt about improv.

Improv can make you a better communicator

Which, ironically, I was apparently unable to adequately get across in a job interview. Asked at a talent pool full of potential employers to give a two-minute presentation on something I was passionate about, I chose to explain why improvisation has helped me become a better speaker. Why I am now a more patient, less competitive conversationalist. How I focus on the topic being discussed instead of waiting to butt in with my own. That the discipline encourages you to discover the joys of collaboration.

Evidently, I made my hobby sound too engaging. The people who heard my talk told me it seemed whatever role offered me would be a consolation prize, second best to improv. One inquisitor said they used to enjoy painting but gave it up to pursue their office job. Which, to me, as a tragic summary of adulthood, cannot be topped.

I had explicitly stated in my opening paragraph of the speech I did not want a career in the art form.

Of course, even if I had wanted to make stuff up full-time, I could not because...

Improv is not a career

The most successful in-demand teachers and performers still hold down their nine to fives. Most people I know who perform at Edinburgh Fringe are freelancers or jobbing actors. I can count on one hand the number of London troupes big enough to tour.

The best way to make money in this field is teaching classes or doing running corporate workshops. It is extremely unlikely you are doing that daily, let alone making enough money from it.

Besides, if you take up your hobby as your career, what on earth will you do to relax?

Improv can easily become your entire life

Improv is moreish because you get instant affirmation, encouragement to make jokes, and an excuse to mess around with friends. It feels good to be with this community, so naturally you chase that high by doing more things with those people.

This can result in improvisers being the main people in your social circle. Even if your schedule is not dominated by rehearsals and shows, you will probably hang out with your fellow players as your go-to buddies. Although you are not technically performing while out and about, you may still be ‘on’, doing bits, and falling into shoptalk.

Improv should not become your entire life

If you do improv exclusively, then you’ll end up hating it, abandoning it, and having nothing to fall back on. Eat chocolate cake daily and you’ll soon grow sick of it. You need everything in moderation. To use Sarah Silverman’s maxim, make it a treat.

I am “lucky” in that the conclusion of my first improv course coincided with me getting a job which limited the amount of evenings I was free to pursue the form. This has meant I avoided overdoing it. Which I one hundred percent would have done for precisely the reasons I detailed in the section above.

I did come close to burning out though.

Once classes were done, my group kept meeting weekly to make stuff up. Soon we formed a team. Finding a format to work on gave our rehearsals focus. Then we developed a second idea which required its own evening to practice.

This meant we were doing a total of six hours of improv across two consecutive nights.

It was too much. The second session always suffered as we were exhausted.

Not only that, but one format did not play to our strengths. We always came in demotivated. We were struggling to master something we would never make work. Not realising the problem was that the structure did not serve us well, we instead ended up questioning whether we were actually any good at improv.

We eventually dropped that show in favour of the one that we were all psyched about. That is what saved us and the only reason why we are still going today. That love for our work has kept us going and yet…

Improv does not have to be for forever

When my team first formed, there were fourteen of us. Over the years, as is to be expected, people started to move on. Some left the community. Some left the country.

One person dropped out because the classes were a chance to learn something new, to get out of the house. They enjoyed the mucking around. They were not particularly interested in being a group that gigs.

Everyone finds their own point at which to stop.

Our group continued. We worked on a format, tried out a few drafts. We found one that works. For some, ticking that box and solving that problem was a satisfying way to end their tenure. They could walk away with pride. Ditto those who were part of our one hundredth ever gig.

I have not stopped.

It has been five years since I joined the community. It has also been almost five years since I started at my day job. I am attempting to find a nine to five so I can find a better work-life-improv balance, but until then, pretending to be a talking animal is a small part of my week. Maybe it is better that way. Perhaps in the future I will give it up entirely and pursue some other area of creativity. But, for now though, I will keep on painting.

The Jerk Store Customer Helpline

Hello, this is the Jerk Store. I’m calling for Sammy.

Right, you're their friend. Sorry, this is the only number I was given for them. Well, could you still pass on the message?

Great. Then please tell Sammy that… we have sold out of them. There are no more Sammys in stock.

Yes, we’ve been selling Sammys at the Jerk Store. And quite a lot of them!

It’s not for me to ask why people are buying jerks. All I do is supply them. Look, just tell Sammy we’re all out, will you? Thanks.

Will we get more in? Why – you looking to get another of your pal?

Oh, how will we get more? Uh, that’s a company secret. Don’t worry about it.

Right, I have got to go. These jerks won’t sell themselves! Which is just another reason to hate them. If you have any further questions, our contact details are online. And if you want to be sold in our store, don’t hesitate to get in touch.

I was not implying anything. I am just saying that –

Hello?

Jerk.

January Joy: Three Things I Loved this Month

While the world burns, it is important to jot down fleeting moments of happiness and remember what made you smile. Here is some stuff that cheered me up in January.

A-dam Great Monologue

Saturday Night Live returned from its winter break. Helming the first show of the decade was three-time host Adam Driver. It being his third appearance, the writers by now really understand how to best channel his intense energy. Nowhere was this more evident than his standout monologue. It has now been a few days since the episode aired and I have not stopped thinking about at this incredible set piece.

Copyright: NBC.

Rarely the highlight of any given show, but nonetheless a crucial bit of business, the chat to the audience aims to reassure viewers that this week’s star will be fun. The cast or extra guests may pop in to play supporting parts, but the focus is primarily on the special MC. It is therefore an incredible sign of confidence in Driver that the show gave him almost a full five minutes onstage accompanied only by the house band, the audience, and a single prop. That sort of solo screen time for SNL monologues is usually reserved for stand ups and show alumni.

However, the actor shows that trust is well-earned. Driver is in total control as he makes light of his unapproachable persona, delivering jokes with a deadpan that statues would envy. I felt such giddy glee when he eyes up the camera while walking straight up to the lens while attempting to smile. His performance was sufficiently grounded that it convinced at least one internet commentator that Adam was actually genuinely deliberately stringing out the monologue to ensure a sketch got cut.

JoJohansson Rabbit

Scarlett Johansson has got an Oscar nom for Jojo Rabbit. The nod from the Academy is absolutely justified: Scarlett’s performance is a delight. As Rosie Betzler, the mother of the titular Nazi-fanatic, she is the warm heart of the film. Determined to put on a happy face, she strives to ensure her boy keeps a shred of his childhood innocence. She wants to be a source of joy. 

What I did not notice, and only realised through reading reviews afterwards, is that, though concerned about his zealousness, her character never forbids it. Her fear of losing Jojo to war prevents her from coming down too hard on him and risking driving him away from her. This tragic undercurrent makes it a nuanced role (and one that Scarlett absolutely pulls off).

G-g-g-ghosts?!?

January always sees me finish reading the books I got at Christmas. This time round, the final tome on the pile was Frances Hardinge’s A Skinful of Shadows. I had intentionally saved this gift from my sibling until last because I relished the prospect of tackling something outside of my comfort zone. As a supernatural adventure set against the backdrop of the English Civil War, it is definitely very different fare from my usual literary diet of crime novels and comedian’s memoirs.

The novelty of perusing something I would not have chosen for myself was certainly part of why I found this book exciting, but its highly inventive story is also a source of joy. I will not spoil the plot beyond what is provided on the blurb, but the protagonist’s ongoing struggle to wrangle the spirit inside her head is part of an eerie superpower I certainly have not encountered in any fiction before.

The book overall is a lovely romp with twists and comic moments. I looked forward to settling down with it each day before bed.

My Secret to Stay Looking Young

Hey, gang! I’ve noticed a LOT of you have been wondering how I look so dang young, so let me tell you.

It’s because I am young.

But seriously though, there are a few simple things I do to stay looking fresh and they can work for you too. Just follow these four quick tips and you can be forever young like me.

Deal with the Devil Water!

Water water everywhere and all a drop to drink! Keep yourself hydrated with the water of life. This stuff is VITAL if you want your skin to stay healthy. Plus, it tastes great.

Praise the mighty one Sleep!

To sleep, perchance to be dreamy! If you want enough energy to live, laugh, learn, you’ve GOT to be well-rested. Eight hours a night is perfect.

Give him blood Vitamins!

B2 or not B2! Whether it’s Vitamin D through the sun or D-lightful fruit and veg, you’ve got to get those minerals in ya. You cannot look young if your body is not working, so spruce up your diet. Get some vitamins TODAY.

Exercise!

Just kidding. Hail Satan.