If you are reading this, either I am dead or you are rifling through my stuff.
SHOO! Get out of it.
Now that has wheedled out the lookie-loos, let us move onto the business at hand. I am dead. Hopefully from passing away peacefully in my sleep after a wonderful day spent with loved ones. Or from falling off stage after attempting a pratfall too athletic for my advanced years. Either/or.
Anyway, I'm gone now, so at least one (1) person will be tasked with summarising my life in a way that makes it sound mildly interesting. I won't be around to hear it, of course (which is a shame because I do so love praise), but I can still provide some tips, so you can truly know 'this is what he would have wanted'. Besides from getting to be alive longer.
Anyway, here are my guidelines. Follow them if you don't want to be haunted.
If foul play in my demise is suspected, start by announcing 'someone in this room is a murderer'. Even if this turns out not to be true, saying the phrase will give you chills.
While I have long established that a love of Scooby Doo is part of my personal "brand", at no point during your tribute should you say 'ruh roh', 'jinkies', 'jeepers', or 'zoinks'.
Do not allude to my secret second family. Do conclude that the true treasure was the family we found on the way. Related: do not reveal where I stashed the actual treasure.
You are limited to one pun based on my surname. If multiple people are giving speeches, swap notes before the service to check you're not using the same one.
No podcast clips. Listening to one en masse is weird. Podcasts are for headphones, car journeys, or playing aloud at home as if it's radio.
If speeches are running long, please play people off like they do at the Oscars, albeit using 'Mahna Mahna', the song from The Muppets. Incidentally, puppets are not banned from the ceremony and are, in fact, encouraged.
No use of any pre-university nicknames. My grandma does not need to know why I was called Squeaky Bubble Butt.
Do not refer to the Swedish Motorway Incident.
Do refer to my luscious fringe.
And if someone reacted suspiciously to the line about murder, hire four teens and a dog to investigate.
