Similarly, I tend to mix up 'presents' and 'porcupines'. Christmas is always interesting. (AKA an intro to episode four of ‘The Film Show’)

Rather appropriately, in this, our fourth edition, we break the fourth wall by bringing in views outside of our own. Whereas previously we tended to chat amongst ourselves without really acknowledging listeners, from this edition onwards, we incorporate their reviews of the Film Club film that I asked for via Facebook. However, it transpires that most people confuse the words ‘review’ and ‘description’, hence the majority of the offerings we got were merely concise synopsises which, although well done, were not particularly useful in aiding discussion. It would almost have been better of them to send us pictures of Spiderman, because then at least we’d have something cool to put on our bedroom walls.

Also introduced in this episode is Producer Alex. Well, technically he’d appeared or been referenced in all the previous shows albeit briefly, but here he is a major contributor. Unfortunately, most of his airtime in this edition seems to involve him being distracted, abused, or, shall we say, touched, in some way or another.  Not only that, but Chris and James, for probably no reason other than boredom, repeatedly off-air tweet him spoilers (but not, presumably, BRUCE WILLIS IS A GHOST, because that’s long since been established). Despite their encouragements for others to do the same, I have ensured that this does not happen, thus saving Alex from a lifetime of random twists being revealed, by removing his Twitter handle from the edited podcast.

One moniker of his that I have kept in however is his alleged middle name, Danger. The origins of this aren’t needlessly complicated (I can confirm there will be no films released detailing its backstory); it was simply how he’d identified himself on a social network profile, and I kept referring to him as such long after he’d since dropped it. Why? Well, partly because I thought it had a nice ring to it, and partly because I wanted him to hear how silly it sounded. Honestly, it would be like me identifying myself as Brendan Maverick Way (Incidentally, M is my middle initial, thus allowing me to legitimately call myself BMW, but that’s not what it stands for).

Speaking of mavericks, it seems that James’ suggestion that our next Film Club film be Executive Decision is not actually that mad. Having looked it up out of curiosity, it turns out to be a genuine 1996 action film starring Kurt Russell. This discovery in fact directly inspired a round in the pilot of my other podcast, and indeed, the title is in one of the questions.

CORRECTIONS

‘Batman is Batman’ is not what ‘all you need to know about Batman’. You also need to know that he gets quite testy if you mention parents...

You can’t exhaust Spiderman – that’s another of his lesser-known powers.

“We” did not give Colin Firth an honorary degree – obviously here we’re referring to our university. We only award fake Oscars.

BONUS FLASH: Wee Adventures.

Sometimes, my entire dream involves me looking for somewhere to piss.


My official Flashnificent flash on the theme of Dreams can be found here.

Spoiler Alert (AKA an intro to episode three of ‘The Film Show’)

First off, we’re sorry. We’re sorry, we’re sorry, we’re sorry, we’re sorry.

Yes, Episode Three is very much an apology special which sees us saying sorry for, amongst other things, seemingly unintentionally endorsing Mel Gibson’s alleged assault, making light of sex trafficking, and, worst of all, claiming that Robert Pattinson is an actor. If that's not enough apologies for you, then we’re sorry about that too.

One thing it appears we’re not remorseful about is repeatedly ruining the infamous twist ending of The Sixth Sense. In pretty much every other episode, including this one, we mention that Bruce Willis is, say, not of this world. Actually, that makes him sound like an alien, which is not the revelation at all (although it would be an apt start to Shyamalan’s increasingly ludicrous output). I’ve no idea why we kept coming back to that particular spoiler (generally we were quite good at not mentioning anything key from the latter half of movies), but then again, I don’t know why the mind-blowing climax to a thirteen year old film is so in the public domain. Saying that though, viewing The Sixth Sense whilst being aware of the big reveal has saved me from having to see it twice to spot the hints towards its surprise, thus giving me more time to, say, rewatch The Room.

Ah, The Room. After James’ mind-boggling description, I knew it was the sort of so-bad-it’s-good film that I would enjoy, so, as soon as it was screened at a local B-Movie double bill night that I frequented, I went along to see it. I was not disappointed (well, that is to say I was – it’s an atrocious bit of movie making – but, it is a must-see if you love car-crash cinema). Like The Rocky Horror Show, it has an established set of routines and rituals you do when watching this cult classic. Hence, when any of the picture frames with their sample photo of cutlery come into shot, you throw, and shout, “spoons!”. Honestly, it’s like being in a very disciplined angry mob, just waiting for their cue to hurl the flaming torches. Eventually, it becomes natural, something you do instinctively without thinking, like breaking into the lyrics of Duran Duran’s Rio.

I’m happy to say that Episode Three is not the only time you will hear that routine. It crops up again, and becomes somewhat of a recurring joke, because it just so happened that Rio repeatedly was in the Box Office top ten when we recorded shows, and we had yet to see it. I still have yet to see it. Why? Because BRUCE WILLIS IS A GHOST!

I’m so sorry.

CORRECTIONS

I did in fact watch Fight Club knowing the twist. I learnt it from a condensed two part parody on The Lee Mack Show in which Tyler Durden is Welsh, Marla joins the pair at the club, and there’s no real mention of Project Mayhem.  No prizes for guessing which version is closer to the novel.

Chris did not actually write the ‘punch you in the face’ line. He stayed up the previous night with several gag writers and that was their best effort.

Contrary to James’ assertion otherwise, Andie MacDowell is “worth it” - if by “worth it”, you mean “just as entitled to have clean silky smooth manageable hair as anyone else on this planet providing they can afford the pricey shampoo and conditioner combo.”.

Everyone's A Little Bit Racist (AKA an intro to episode two of 'The Film Show')

Onto Episode Two, and some more recurring themes and features have started to creep in. There’s the introduction of a topical debate, a hint of the customised introductions to come, and the first mention of a Delilah-load of Tom Jones tracks on the database. One thing that hopefully won’t be back though is that impression.

Yes, in a segway on how to improve Indiana Jones (which, come to think of it, should actually include him using a Segway), Chris does a somewhat dodgy Asian accent just after James tactfully avoided doing the same. Thankfully, as of yet, there have been no complaints so either people haven’t taken offence or don’t particularly care. Either way, it could have been much worse – people could have learnt we do the show in Blackface.

Moving on, this episode is not only noteworthy for, as aforementioned, additions to the format, but also questioning aspects of the old one. The penultimate spot, Trailer Trash, sees us debate both the name of the flick we’re meant to be reviewing and the title of the very feature itself. On reflection, perhaps it is not the greatest of titles, being as it is, a very American phrase (Then again, Caravan Crash, the British equivalent, wouldn’t have been particularly apt either). If anything, the greater criticism should be that it’s not a particularly original one as the Guardian runs a feature of the same name. Similarly, there are plenty of podcasts and programmes that run with the title, The Film Show, but then not all of them can claim to reveal the Sixth Sense spoiler as frequently we do.

BRUCE WILLIS IS A GHOST.

My work here is done.

CORRECTIONS:

*Justin Timberlake does in fact expose Janet Jackson’s nipple during The Social Network – it’s just in the deleted scenes, that’s all.

*Chris had no need to correct himself - Jeff Brudges is actually in True Grit. He plays Drunk number three.

*The Star Wars Christmas Special is not the funniest thing James has ever seen . That honour of course goes to a skateboarding kitten on Youtube.

I'm pretty sure it wasn't this easy for Queen Victoria.

Turns out I'm now in charge of several small islands.

As for official cannons, we don't have any - we only like artillery in movies. (AKA an intro to episode one of 'The Film Show')

In most cases, panel show pilots are a chance to try out a new format or test the chemistry of the contestants without ever showing the usually sketchy results to an audience. However, in the case of The Film Show, ours also serves as the beginning of the series. This might seem, like dancing to distract your opponent in a chess game, a strange move, but most of the elements present in later episodes, such as our tendency to stray into tangents, crop up here, so it is definitely worth including as part of the official canon. Indeed, the inaugural Film Club film is one that, due to his mild obsession with that particular motion picture, James mentions on a regular basis throughout the series. Indeed, not an episode goes by without him bringing it up or finding a tenuous link so he can crowbar it into the current discussion. It was because of this very fanaticism that I selected Die Hard as the focus of our first show.

Despite having only known James for a few months (we met when he responded to my advertisement for writers and performers to help create a regular sketch show), I already knew that the 1988 action film was a particular favourite of his. How? Well, how do we ever deduce these things? In some cases, it’s the frequency with which certain topics are mentioned. In others, it’s a shrine in their wardrobe. As for James however, it was particularly obviously – because he had written an entire article about it. This piece alone convinced me to devote the opening show to it. After all, in the extreme off chance that conversation would dry up, he could simply paraphrase his paragraphs. On reflection, it’s highly likely that a significant amount of the discussion missing from the show was just that. Thank heavens for technical difficulties then.

Ah, yes, the technical difficulties. What with the system crashing, tracks refusing to play, and broken mics forcing James and Chris to cosy up to each other and share, it certainly is a chaotic episode. However, every cloud has a silver lining (whoever coined this idiom clearly wasn’t a weather forecaster – they disappointingly never drop it into their reports). Ours, however, was only evident a year later when I decided to embark on a one-month editing marathon to whip the old shows into shape (and by ‘shape’, I of course mean ‘podcasts’). If episodes 1 and 6 had remained intact, I might never have thought to reunite with my comical colleagues to record a couple of all-new retrospective conversations to kickoff each show.

Well, I use the plural ‘colleagues’. In the event, although both were invited, only James turned up. Despite this setback, we decided to press ahead anyway – after all, those partial shows needed some sort of explanation to what the hell people were listening to. If it weren’t for us ignoring the heat of a small stuffy studio and getting out some vaguely coherent thoughts, the first words of the pilot would be ‘and looks very very camp’ – and if that’s not an inauspicious start, I don’t know what is.

Anyway, as it happens, producing the initial necessary introductions proved just too darn enjoyable (I’m not sure if using the phrase ‘recreating the magic’ here would set off my cliché overload alarm, so I’ll simply say that doing them reminded me of how much fun we used to have). As a result, we went on, and completed the series of six by recording a further four. Incidentally, our time spent trying to be funny in an immensely hot room provided me with an idea for another podcast, but that’s a blog for another time...

CORRECTIONS:

*My Batman costume does not have nipples on it. Those protrusions are simply my own poking through.

*Neither Back to the Future or Star Wars can rightly be hailed as the best trilogy of all time. No, that honour clearly goes to the Gingerdead Man series.

*Chris at one point claims that horses give birth to calves. This is obviously nonsense - everyone knows that baby horses are called ‘horselets’…