What a Novel idea!

Last month, many budding authors worldwide attempted NaNoWriMo in which you must attempt to produce fifty thousand words of a new novel. I did not. However, should I ever be inclined to tackle this challenge, I think you'll agree I've a pretty solid pitch...


CHAPTER ONE
Something exciting happens so you keep reading. Seriously, the book won't get good again until Chapter Five when we flashback to the same event but somehow it is just as tense. Anyway, given that this is a prologue in all but name we don't meet our main character yet.

CHAPTER TWO
We meet our main character.

CHAPTER THREE
Our main character gets closer to actually hearing about what happened in Chapter One but doesn't quite yet because we've got to introduce the other quirky people in his world first so you know he has a life outside of his job or whatever it is he pursues in this book.

CHAPTER FOUR
He learns about the thing from a newspaper or a colleague or whatever. He goes to interview a witness who, well, witnessed it.

CHAPTER FIVE
THE FLASHBACK HAPPENS. MY GOD, IT'S TENSE.

CHAPTER SIX
Main character investigates the cause behind the thing. This again is nowhere as interesting as the beginning of the story. He will basically do this until Chapter Ten.

CHAPTER TEN
The main character finds and fights the baddie because there must be a villain or else it's not a proper novel. The main character inevitably wins.

OR DOES HE?

Yes, yes he does.

CHAPTER ELEVEN
There's a bit of talking. If this was on TV, people would have switched over by now.

My next book will be out in six months.

You should buy it so I don't have to get a proper job.

THE END.


Thoughts?

I Went to London (again) and Saw...

A novel way of keeping us protected from the Red (and black) Menace

Adam West looking a lot younger than I remembered

Angry wizards

Proof that pigeons aren't the capital's biggest problem

A sexy robot

Too many hats

And the devastating fate of Elwood from The Blues Brothers.

THE BOOTH - I'd like to thank...

Well, that’s it. The Booth is no more. Not only is it literally burnt to the ground, it in another sense is over because I will not be producing any further editions. I made twelve episodes – that’s a run to match Fawlty Towers (and we bettered them by not mentioning The War at all). You’ve had four hundred and eighteen minutes of free entertainment from me. That’s almost seven hours (or, to put it another way, almost two whole Lord of the Rings films).

Only one of these people made it out alive.

Anyway, that’s your lot. I’ll start releasing something brand new soon but you can rest assured it won’t see me trapped in a studio trying to think of punning questions based on an ever-decreasing supply of themes. Until then though, there’s the mandatory acceptance speech-type list of thanks you…

Ah, Antosh, Dan, Sam, Scott, Chris, James, Mark, Davis, Kora, Charlie, Clare, Indy, Connor, and Milli.

Between them they’ve been accused of being racist, almost suffocated during a production of Macbeth, accidentally punched a customer, invented a game involving nudity, played Ready Steady Cook at a house party, scared me with their Weird Thought, lived in a caravan, gone into a random old man’s car, adopted a gnome, been tricked by gypsies, met Tim Minchin, smoked e-cigarettes, quacked at strangers, and took part in a water fight that resulted in one participant suffering a bloody injury. They’ve certainly led exciting lives which is fortunate or else they would have had nothing to talk about. To them, I extend a big Thank You. There literally wouldn’t be a show without you lot.

Thanks to Tim Berners-Lee for giving us the internet - I particularly love the ease with which I can instantly access pictures of kittens.

Thanks to anyone who listened to the show or even read this blog*.

Thanks to Mark for some sound advice.

I’ve been Brendan Way. This has been The Booth. Goodbye!


*Microsoft Word wants me to believe this sentence is a question. It isn’t. I am positive I want to thank you.

THE BOOTH - 2.6. - Best Story Ever Special

THE BOOTH - 2.6.

THEME: Best Story Ever.

WHO'S IN?: The first ever pair of contestants and the last held inmate.

WHAT DO WE KNOW ABOUT THE BOOTH?: There's no water in The Booth. Clare is fenced off in a corner. I pass time by writing statistics in my diary and walking around whilst imagining I have a pedometer.

FIRST TIME FOR EVERYTHING: Not everyone gets a Weird Thought (Antosh's ended up cut for time).

SIX DEGREES OF THE BOOTH: 

• Last week Indy joked she'd return to set the Booth alight. Now it turns out she wasn't kidding.
• I say I have previously given points for a second story before - the first instance of this was in Episode 3.
• Kora previously said I needed to get a vicar on. In this episode, Clare reveals she put her name on the ministry database.
• There's a callback to the pilot.

NEXT WEEK: Well, nothing. The Booth, both the show and the titular studio, is over. It was such a blast to do. Thanks to everyone involved and to anyone who took the time to listen. Without you, it would just be me on my own talking to myself to no end. And I can do that at home!

This episode can be found here. It is available for a few weeks to download for free here.

THE BOOTH - 2.5. - University Special

THE BOOTH - 2.5.

THEME: University.

WHO'S IN?: Millie, Indy, and Connor Way.

WHAT DO WE KNOW ABOUT THE BOOTH?: There's no medicine in the room. We have an aftershow party. All of us were naked in this recording. Connor has drawn nobs on the wall.

FIRST TIME FOR EVERYTHING: There's three guests.

SIX DEGREES OF THE BOOTH: During Chris' Weird Thought about colour blindness, I referred to a flatmate who does Psychology. Millie is that flatmate and it is she who told me she was taught nothing is real and that it's all just assigned labels. Then again she also said that I am my brain so maybe she's just trying to confuse me.

NEXT WEEK: In a move Dan described as throwing away the show's format completely, I invite panelists to tell their BEST STORY EVER.

This episode can be found here. It is available for a few weeks to download for free here.

THE BOOTH - 2.4. - Festive Days

THE BOOTH - 2.4.

THEME: Festive Days.

WHO'S IN?: Clarrisa and Charles.

WHAT DO WE KNOW ABOUT THE BOOTH?: There's no food except for my personal supply. The series and the contributors are all products of my imagination. This whole series has been a dream.

FIRST TIME FOR EVERYTHING: I find the original Weird Thoughts so distinctly, well, unweird, that I eventually award the point for best contribution in the round.

SIX DEGREES OF THE BOOTH: I refer to the time that Charlie played God, an incident Dan previously detailed in episode 2. I reprise my Sports Day story. Dan gets his third consecutive mention of the series. Plus, in the space of two weeks, Charlie's play has changed from Measure to Measure to Hamlet. That's show business!

NEXT WEEK: In a University Special, I am joined by my housemates. Well, I say 'housemates', I don't have a house. I live in The Booth.

This episode can be found here.

THE BOOTH - 2.3. - Employment

THE BOOTH - 2.3.

THEME: Employment.

WHO'S IN?: A ninja and a dancer.

WHAT DO WE KNOW ABOUT THE BOOTH?: I don't get to leave The Booth that often, but when I do, I go see dancing ladies.

FIRST TIME FOR EVERYTHING: Due to a contestant unwisely telling stories about their current work, for the only time in the series' run, I had to recapture panelists in order to get a new set of anecdotes. The eventual result of the episode did not change.

SIX DEGREES OF THE BOOTH: My (joke) marriage to Dan once again gets a mention, as does Finding Nemo.

NEXT WEEK: Some people think every day is a special day. This episode however is only devoted to those specifically mentioned in calendars.

This episode can be found here.

THE BOOTH - 2.2. - Family and Home Life

THE BOOTH - 2.2.

THEME: Family and Home life.

WHO'S IN?: German Kora talks about sausages and British Mark has a story involving holidaying in Brighton. No stereotypes being reinforced there then.

WHAT DO WE KNOW ABOUT THE BOOTH?: There's no shower. There is however a potty. All the ex-panelists are still here including Dan who is feeling me under the table. I don't know who's in charge of The Booth.

FIRST TIME FOR EVERYTHING: This is the first (and only) time you "hear" a very naughty word. It was Dan (he of Being Under The Table fame) who inspired the use of the tambourine to cover it - he'd previously written it into a sketch for us about Chris Brown.  This episode is also the first time I award points for both stories, the first example of the panellists making animal noises, and the first suggestion that Dan and I are getting married.

SIX DEGREES OF THE BOOTH: In what would turn into somewhat of a theme in this second series, the BOOTH's most recurring panellist, Dan, gets his first mention.

NEXT WEEK: As we've heard in this episode, some people have jobs. In next week's edition, we'll hear stories from them.

This episode can be found here.

THE BOOTH - 2.1. - Sixth Form and Secondary School

THE BOOTH - 2.1

THEME: Sixth Form and Secondary School.

WHO'S IN?: It's an all-new lineup! Mark and Davis are the guests. What a pair of sporting legends!

WHAT DO WE KNOW ABOUT THE BOOTH?: The panelists all have more important things to do.

FIRST TIME FOR EVERYTHING: Showing we're the cutting edge of (admittedly belated) satire, this is the first time we've ever had vaguely topical references, thus ensuring people stumbling across this episode in decades to come will be bewildered by the concept of Justin Bieber.

SIX DEGREES OF THE BOOTH: Mark was previously credited in the Christmas Special for "some sound advice". See, that's funny because he gave me advice about how to improve the sound so it's... Ah, forget it.

NEXT WEEK: We're keeping it in the family with an episode all about home life.

This episode can be found here. It is available for a few weeks to download for free here.

THE BOOTH - 1.5. - Christmas Special

THE BOOTH - 1.5

THEME: Christmas Special.

WHO'S IN?: It's my old Film Show colleagues, Chris and James. Consequently, there's just a little bit of chat about movies. We only mention Star Wars. And Back to the Future. Jaws. The Bond films. Lion King...

WHAT DO WE KNOW ABOUT THE BOOTH?: The room temperature is apparently eighty degrees. To imagine it was Christmas, we had to use our imaginations really hard.

FIRST TIME FOR EVERYTHING: In a display of seasonal (well, I say 'seasonal' - we recorded this in November) goodwill, I, for the first time, release both guests at the end. I can't promise I'll be that generous in every show. After all, if I did, we'd have no format!

SIX DEGREES OF THE BOOTH: Chris recalls the time he wound up talking about robotic emus. Plus remember when Dan mentioned his appearance in a piece by a probably inebriated playwright? Yeah, that was James...

NEXT WEEK: We go back to class for Series Two. This time round it's Secondary School that is put under my comedy microscope (which I of course store next to my joke petri dish and my funny-looking lab coat). Like this episode, it was topical when it was recorded...

This episode can be found here.

THE BOOTH - 1.4. - Nights Out and Parties

THE BOOTH - 1.4

THEME: Nights Out and Parties.

WHO'S IN?: Dan and - sorry! Force of habit. It's Scott and Chris.

WHAT DO WE KNOW ABOUT THE BOOTH?: I lure contestants (well, Chris at least) in with questionable Pick N Mix. Plus, I note you can get out if you kill me!

At the time of writing, I remain alive. For now.

FIRST TIME FOR EVERYTHING: This episode is the first time I ask a contestant for two weird thoughts. Well, some people just can't be constrained to one...

SIX DEGREES OF THE BOOTH: The day I devised this project I was waiting for Chris to join me in the Booth.

NEXT WEEK: Ho ho ho! It's a Christmas special. It was topical when it was recorded...

This episode can be found here. You can download it from here.

THE BOOTH - 1.3. - Primary School

THE BOOTH - 1.3



THEME: Primary School

WHO'S IN?: Scott and, as always, Dan.

WHAT DO WE KNOW ABOUT THE BOOTH?: People never leave. The room is locked. I've lost the key. Despite all this, the winner gets promised freedom. I guess that makes me a liar. Please don't sue.

FIRST TIME FOR EVERYTHING: In the only example of me repeating a story, I recount for the first time how my thirteenth place in the 100 metres was announced to the whole school.

SIX DEGREES OF THE BOOTH: Antosh and Sam are mentioned as still hanging around. Presumably they were too busy snoozing or chatting to actually pipe up. Well, either that or they're not really there and I've lied (Again).

NEXT WEEK: The last episode of Series 1. Contains a musical finale of sorts.

This episode can be found here.

THE BOOTH - 1.2. - Gigs, Festivals, and Performances

THE BOOTH - 1.2

THEME: Gigs, festivals, and performances.

WHO'S IN?: Sam and Dan. One is clearly having more fun than the other. No points for identifying whom.

WHAT DO WE KNOW ABOUT THE BOOTH?: The room is tiny. There is (well, was) a hula hoop on the floor. Your possessions are stored in a locker down an endless hall until you are released (which might be problematic as it's unclear whether there's even a door to get out of The Booth).

FIRST TIME FOR EVERYTHING: This features the first instance of Dan claiming to be several decades old, the second mention of Just A Minute, and the first time I (not-so) surreptitiously eat during the show. Hey, I record these in the early afternoon! Give me a (lunch) break...

SIX DEGREES OF THE BOOTH: The play I mention during Sam's introduction also featured Dan. Think of this episode as a reunion. Also, we refer to the previous Weird Thought that Women Produce Sugar...

NEXT WEEK: Will Dan ever get out? If not, Episode Three might be the edition in which he finally snaps and kills everyone. Tune in to find out if he does!

This episode can be found here. It is available for a few weeks to download for free here.

What Time is it on?

In the process of trying to work our TV, my flatmate recently stumbled across a catch-up service notice announcing 'Yesterday - coming soon'. Immediately, he turned to me (where I was sat helping as best as I could AKA making sure I was out of the way) and said "you should write about that on your blog".

Well, not wanting to succumb to peer pressure, I ignored him. How dare he suggest what I put on here! Then I remembered how hard it is to find things to be pedantic about if you're not actively looking for them so here goes.


via http://gettingworse.files.wordpress.com/2010/04/yesterday.jpg

As much fun the quasi-philosophical truism that is 'Yesterday - coming soon' is, it is trumped by the even more ridiculous 'Yesterday will return at 6AM' title card that is screened at the end of a day's programming (and is among the channel's top-rated content, second only to that episode of Time Team when one of the old blokes slightly slips in the mud). This suggests that yesterday is confined to dawn onward. If it's still dark, it can't be yesterday even if it's after midnight and you've been asleep for several hours having gone to bed in the afternoon because you had a headache from watching too many old episodes of Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. You say it's yesterday? I say it's still today. Yesterday won't arrive until the small hand reaches six, alright? You don't like it - go complain to the Talking Clock!

Of course, this isn't the most confusion that can be caused by a channel named after a measure of time. No, the set of circumstances I would like to see fall into place are incredibly long-winded and convoluted, but, if they occurred, would ensure one hell of a ride. Bear with me.

Imagine that Yesterday expanded its remit to include comedy (no, that Time Team episode doesn't count) such as Chris Morris' 1994 newsroom spoof. To tease this show ahead of its station premiere, UKTV runs a trailer campaign with two actors - one, a stalwart of Joss Whedon projects, and the other, a West End star. Just before it hits our screens, they play a big final announcement.

You ready?

"Today's the day Day and Day bring The Day Today to Yesterday. More tomorrow."

At which point people throw their watches and clocks at the TV and decide to play outside.

THE BOOTH - 1.1. - Holidays

THE BOOTH - 1.1

THEME: Holidays.

WHO'S IN?: Tosh and Dan (Not to be confused with the guests from the pilot, Dan and Tosh).

WHAT DO WE KNOW ABOUT THE BOOTH?: There are no showers but there is a water fountain down the corridor (so that's something to look forward to if you ever get out).

FIRST TIME FOR EVERYTHING: In the first of many (well, at least two) references to the classic Radio 4 panel game, Dan mentions Just a Minute (a game he and I would later play to commemorate Tosh's birthday in a special set of recordings. Considering in this episode Antosh seems unaware of the programme, perhaps we'd have been better off with a round of 'I Spy').

SIX DEGREES OF THE BOOTH: All three of us break the first rule of Recording a Pilot Club by, well, talking about the pilot. Way to demolish the fourth wall, guys... Anyway, yes, there's a callback to my struggle with Geography. Perhaps I shouldn't have picked Holidays as the first theme...

NEXT WEEK: Strangely enough, Episode Two follows Episode One. Funny that...

This episode can be found here.

THE BOOTH - Pilot - Birthdays

When cooped up in a radio studio on one of the hottest days of 2012, naturally I started thinking what it would be like to be forced to be there. What if you had been lured to this room and locked in? What if you were held against your will until you had satisfied your captor with rousing anecdotes? Would that be torture, not just for the participants, but for those who listened to the procedure as well? The only way to find out the answers was, of course, to pilot a podcast panel show.

I wrote a script overnight, roped in two colleagues who I knew had highly developed funny bones, and, on 24th May 2012, shot the show. By which I mean recorded. I did not riddle my programme with bullets. That usually scares off commissioners.

Anyway, upon listening to the result, I decided that it was of sufficient quality to go onto the internet (and, considering the average content of the world wide web, that doesn't say a lot about my confidence) and put it on Soundcloud under the name THE BOOTH.

A few months later, I recorded a full series (well, I say full. It had four episodes and a special). The original had been so much fun so why not?

There are plenty of reasons why not but I ignored them. A second series and a couple of specials later and the whole run is going on Youtube to showcase the work of Talking Tosh. This gives me an excuse to indulge in some nostalgia as well as a chance to reveal some titbits of trivia from the show. Let's start from the very beginning (after all, as a famous ex-nun once said, it's a very good place to start) with the pilot... 

THE BOOTH - PILOT

THEME: Birthdays.

WHO'S ON FIRST?: Dan and Tosh. The former is my fellow producer at our company, Talking Tosh. The latter is commemorated in said name because he has bookended each of our series' shows. They both have nice hair.

FIRST TIME FOR EVERYTHING: It is rather apt that this episode's theme is birthdays considering that this is our pilot. Speaking of which, as this is the initial edition, everything in this is the first. This includes the final quick-fire game 'Reel or fake' which actually makes its only appearance here. It didn't lend itself to funny answers so is replaced by a new quiz for the series proper.

SIX DEGREES OF THE BOOTH: None - it's only the first episode. There cannot be any other callbacks to other editions because, well, there aren't any.

NEXT WEEK: The first episode of Series One. The guests are very familiar...

THE BOOTH pilot can be found here.

TIHSPITFOAL: Berlin Edition!

Last year, I went to France. This year, I didn't. I went to Berlin though so you're not spared the "joy" of seeing some holiday snaps just yet!

Ah, I'm kidding. Feel free to do something more interesting like cutting your nails or doing your taxes. Or don't. Whatever.

Still here? Great! Then come along for a look at the ever-so-slightly disturbing world of Germany where I saw...



A MAN WELCOMING VISITORS INTO HIS CROTCH

A DESPERATE LONELY MACHINE

A RECENTLY FIRED MEMBER OF 'THE BLUE MAN GROUP'

AN UNSURPRISING NAME GIVEN THE NATIONALITY

A CHOCOLATE BEAR WHO HAS SEEN TOO MUCH

THE SHOWER OF SHAME

A ROOM WHERE THEY PRESUMABLY ALL SOUND LIKE STEPHEN MERCHANT

A BISON WITH A CRAFTY DISGUISE

PROOF THE ZOO HAVE BEEN DOING GENETIC EXPERIMENTS

JACKIE ONASSIS IN SHOE FORM, AND...

CREEPY SEXY CHOCOLATE. Oh dear lord.

And the award for the Second Paradox I've Found This Month goes to...

Surely if it cleans itself, we shouldn't have to do the work.

Unless it's not a self-cleaning area in which case why put up the sign?

Look, either we have to put rubbish in the bins or the area does it for you. Which is it? Do I dispose of this crisp wrapper myself? Will some sort of robot butler do it for me?  Am I really overestimating what technology is available yet?

Which is possible. I did once expect my phone's predictive text to recognise the word 'hooray'...

Jock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels

I received a text recently that said the following: Never trust a Scot.

Intriguing.

I should immediately hasten to explain that this missive didn't come completely out of the blue and in fact was a reply to a previous message. I don't tend to make a habit of receiving random vaguely-threatening bits of advice.

Anyway, this seemingly simple sentence has caused me no end of grief. Let me explain my problem with it. If a Scot tells you never to trust a Scot, then we potentially have a paradox.

If you follow his advice and do not trust it, then you have, inexplicably, trusted it.

If you do not follow his advice, it suggests you do not trust it, which means you have, once again, taken it to heart.

The only solution to this riddle then is to listen to no one ever again.

Then again, that advice once more brings us to a paradox...

If I say 'do not listen to anyone' then how can you follow this instruction without first hearing it from me?

If you decide I am the final person you will listen to before ignoring future speakers, then why take my word as superior to others?

If you take my statement to be inherently cynical, why not dismiss me too?

If - ah, all this thinking is giving me a headache. These paradoxes are more confusing than a mime in a house of mirrors. I'm afraid the juries still out on Scots, folks. If one approaches you - I don't know - just give them the advice and run away whilst they ponder it. That's what did I did. I haven't seen my phone since...

Fifty Shades of Great

Yellow is mellow,
Blue is, well, blue.
Green's an eco freak
so he's just like you.

Black's very dark,
Red's always mad,
White is so bright -
takes after his dad.

Orange is a fruit,
Pink's a bit gay.
Don't mind that at all -
they're my friends, okay?

I like all colours,
see each as a mate.
Every one's diff'rent
That what makes them great.

Getting Shirty

A t-shirt intrigued me the other day (you certainly can't accuse this blog of containing unscintillating sentences...). Anyway, this exciting garment bore the following message:





Wow. Whoever owns this must have guaranteed their place in the Parthenon of greats! Who knew that getting god-like status was so easy? I thought you had to do heroic deeds, fight monsters, or save millions (of lives, that is - I'm not suggesting you become the stuff of myths through being extremely thrifty) but no, apparently all it takes is purchasing a shirt for £8.49!

Affordable ways of buying status aside, the slogan appears to imply that there is a key difference between the wearer and their legacy which is quite disappointing especially if, as the direction of the arrow implies, said reputation is that they're a dick. Maybe their genitals are going to be celebrated in song for years to come? Who knows? I'm definitely not canny enough to work it out. If only I was a legend.

Radio (not so) Gaga.

This week, a journalist listened to a single programme of a Radio 4 sitcom she ended up disliking and wrote off, on the basis of this one half hour, not just the episode or the show, but the whole of audio comedy. Based on that logic, I should, because I hated her article, give up words.

I've not though. Obviously.

What I will give up on however is reading pieces with outrageous intentionally attention-seeking headlines that are clearly designed to provoke people into reading their contentious views, retweet them endlessly, and blog about why they're wrong whilst again linking people to the original arti-

Oh.

Well, I've failed there. Perhaps I should give up words...

Let the Cry Fall... (AKA an intro to - what would have been - Episode Seven of 'The Film Show'.)

In a previous post, I imagined what would have happened in a further episode of my podcast, The Film Show, had I brought the old team back together again for one last glorious mission show.

On 13th November 2012, I no longer had to imagine.

In early 2013, I still no longer had to imagine, but was left without any evidence of said reunion because, just days before I received a belated Christmas present of an external hard drive, my computer crashed. Sod's law/That's always the way/etc etc.

Episode 7 was a beauty and words cannot express how I feel about its loss - well, there are certain words I could use, but they're not exactly suitable for what usually is a blog that warrants, at most, a 12A certificate and a cautious parent reading over your shoulder. Heck, even my attempt at erotica would only be deemed to have "mild sexual references".

I digress.

If there's anything that can be learnt from this, it's that history repeats itself. The opening ten minutes of Episode One were lost due to technical difficulties, the whole first half of Episode 6 was lost due to technical difficulties, and now the whole of Episode 7 has been lost to technical difficulties. Goodness knows what would happen if we ever attempted an Episode 8 - perhaps we would end up erased from existence.

Regardless, luckily I, unlike my repaired laptop, have my memory intact so can recall some of the highlights of Episode 007, our show on Skyfall, and our James Bond Special.

For all those unsure, yes, each of those are the same thing.

Anyway, the memories...


*James admits he tried out MI5's online test to determine whether he'd be a decent agent. He then jokes he doesn't trust himself with his own personal information

*Chris recalls watching a man describing his age via the phrase 'in Batmans, I'm 7'

*We count Blofelds

*James says he watched the whole of Skyfall looking out for Albert Finney. When the cast list comes up at the end, he realises that Albert Finney, funnily enough, was the one that looked like Albert Finney

*With the panelists currently drawing at Taglines 3-3, it's all to play for in this deciding game. James sweeps the board and is rewarded with an ultra-special once-in-a-lifetime(so-it'll-be-a-pity-that-it's-lost) prize - he'll get to read the final credits in the style of an Oscar acceptance speech

*Following the (then)recent acquisition of Lucasfilms by Disney, we debate which other franchises should be snapped up. The gist is nobody should touch Ghostbusters (if someone did, who would you call?)

*It comes as a surprise to no one that Skyfall is top of the box office that week. Well, it's never a surprise to me - I write the flipping show

*James serenades us with a near-unrecognisable rendition of Ode to Joy during our segment on Die Hard 5 thus ensuring we don't have to pay royalties

*James criticises the credits whilst he's reading them. The final people thanked are Bruce Willis ("because he's awesome") and, of course, "your mom" (which James misinterprets as an immature 'yo mamma'-type comment)


And that's it. The recording ran for well over an hour and a half. Editing would have reduced it to a manageable hour. Unfortunately, the laptop seemed to think its runtime should be zero minutes and no seconds. Brilliant.

Still, it's not all bad. If I thought the Episode 7 reunion was amazing, imagine how good an Episode 8 could be...

Brought to Book

If advertisements in train stations are anything to go by, books are as good as films. No, honestly. I mean, you just have to look at the posters up for the latest publications to see that there's been a conscious effort to make them look as exciting as a blockbuster.

Take the following for instance. I recently saw a text being advertised with the moviesque slogan that starts 'SHE WAS MARRIED TO THE MAN SHE LOVED...'

Ooh, you can just hear the deep gravelly voice of the announcer over the trailer, can't you? That sentence alone sounds like we're in for something intriguing. Unfortunately, the advertising PR guys behind this couldn't make good on a decent second half, and so the logline continues with the decidely less exciting 'BUT HE WAS MARRIED TO HIS JOB'.

Oh. Is that it? That's his problem, he's a bit too keen on his 9-5? There's nothing wrong with that. I bet more employers would love someone who's that keen and dedicated. Really it's people like him who will pull the country out of recession through his positive attitude and enthusiasm. Honestly, I don't know why This attention to his career is the selling point of your story. Sorry, what's the title of it again?

Soldier's Wife.

Now that's exciting! I would have led with that as the point of my campaign, to be honest. Adventurous types love the army! That suggests guns and fighting and blood. As for the Wife part, well, that implies relationships and emotions and marriage and all the things that makes us softies cry. You'll attract everyone if they know that's the title! Come on publishers, rewrite your ad so there's more focus on the fact he's in the forces!

Or just make the book into a film.