Recently I
turned thirty (“Whaaat? But you look so young!” Shush, that’s enough). I have
heard two things about this next decade:
a) having experimented in your twenties and tried on many hats (figuratively, but, in my case, literally), you have a better understanding of who you are.
b) if you sleep in an awkward position once, you will be in pain for the rest of your life.
Now, I’m barely one month removed from reaching my fourth decade, so I cannot objectively assess either of these things. However, it would have been impossible to have passed three hundred and sixty months without gaining some opinions on how to do life.
Here then, entirely unsolicited and by zero existent demand, are thirty pieces of advice I try to live by.
a) having experimented in your twenties and tried on many hats (figuratively, but, in my case, literally), you have a better understanding of who you are.
b) if you sleep in an awkward position once, you will be in pain for the rest of your life.
Now, I’m barely one month removed from reaching my fourth decade, so I cannot objectively assess either of these things. However, it would have been impossible to have passed three hundred and sixty months without gaining some opinions on how to do life.
Here then, entirely unsolicited and by zero existent demand, are thirty pieces of advice I try to live by.
Time you enjoy wasting is not wasted.
Our lives are made up of racing and rests. It’s okay to take a break and scroll your phone. Doing nothing is as important as doing something “useful”. If we’re always productive, we will burn out.
Prioritise you and your health over everything and everyone (source: my current supervisor)
It is okay to
cancel a DnD session if you have a headache. Your friends would
rather postpone an event than you attend disengaged, exhausted, and aching.
If a crucial part of your company’s service would collapse in your absence as you’re a loadbearing employee, that is not on you. They need contingency plans and a more flexible structure in place.
You cannot look after others if you do not look after yourself. To this end…
Use your holiday leave and take time off work (especially if you live in Europe where you are entitled to almost a full month of annual leave a year!)
If you must have career regrets on your deathbed, make sure it’s not that you should have worked more days. Sporadic Bank Holidays and the Christmas break are not enough rest stops in the year to refuel you. Take time off for weddings, vacations, gigs (watching or performing), seeing family, or just pick a random day for a nice day out. Most of your memories should be made outside of work.
That said…
Work
socials are crucial
If your workplace is anything like mine, your group chat is dominated by talk of scheduling, meetings, logistics – you know, the fun stuff. The times our teams feel closest to falling apart is when we discuss only that. We forget we are friends as well as partners and colleagues in an enterprise.
This is why we need the Friday night hang. The Christmas do. The pet pics on WhatsApp. It reminds us we are more than cogs in our shared machine. We are humans with lives and we like each other.
Not all
friendships last forever
Sitcoms would have you believe teams stay intact for eight years. These shows usually end when found families part ways.
Some of your friends will leave the city - or the country. After uni, you may find some bonds were based purely on geography or a shared space or purpose. Not everyone in your life will stick around but the ones you endeavour to keep around and, equally, those that actively work to see you, they will be with you forever (or as long as you enjoy each other’s company) because…
It’s not
what you do that matters, it’s who you do it with
A spa weekend could be stressful if your mate is ticked off. Two weeks in a sunny clime can be nice but your standout memory may be the messing around at the airport.
Some of my best birthdays were not built around events where we get to places at specific times. They were relaxed low pressure hangouts where we looked for something else when we were ready.
And I’m not anti-plans. I’m a rules-loving man who loves A Routine. If we’re meeting up though? Let’s just chat and goof around! Also…
Don’t
obsess about the pictures
I reached a point where I would be at an event and be thinking of how great the photos shared on socials afterwards would be. This is no way to live.
What cured me of this mindset was pictures never arriving (turns out life can go on just fine without snapshots of me on a stage or at a do). Or worse – images came but there was no single perfect shot. I looked odd or a friend was squinting or it was otherwise unflattering for one of us so it was kinder to not share it.
Not everything has to be marked with a picture. By all means, let’s get a group selfie when we meet, but I accept now that not all meetups will result in a new album on Facebook. After all…
Not
everything has to be #content
Being online all the time has encouraged us to share everything. In the absence of jokes or insight to offer, the easiest thing to post is things from your life. Whether there is any value to doing this (for you or anyone else) is rarely considered. You need to feed the content machine. You don’t exist if you do not constantly dispatch missives from your world.
I think it is fine to put everything on the web if you want. But what little I have to report, I’ll just share with friends.
If a crucial part of your company’s service would collapse in your absence as you’re a loadbearing employee, that is not on you. They need contingency plans and a more flexible structure in place.
You cannot look after others if you do not look after yourself. To this end…
Use your holiday leave and take time off work (especially if you live in Europe where you are entitled to almost a full month of annual leave a year!)
If you must have career regrets on your deathbed, make sure it’s not that you should have worked more days. Sporadic Bank Holidays and the Christmas break are not enough rest stops in the year to refuel you. Take time off for weddings, vacations, gigs (watching or performing), seeing family, or just pick a random day for a nice day out. Most of your memories should be made outside of work.
That said…
If your workplace is anything like mine, your group chat is dominated by talk of scheduling, meetings, logistics – you know, the fun stuff. The times our teams feel closest to falling apart is when we discuss only that. We forget we are friends as well as partners and colleagues in an enterprise.
This is why we need the Friday night hang. The Christmas do. The pet pics on WhatsApp. It reminds us we are more than cogs in our shared machine. We are humans with lives and we like each other.
Sitcoms would have you believe teams stay intact for eight years. These shows usually end when found families part ways.
Some of your friends will leave the city - or the country. After uni, you may find some bonds were based purely on geography or a shared space or purpose. Not everyone in your life will stick around but the ones you endeavour to keep around and, equally, those that actively work to see you, they will be with you forever (or as long as you enjoy each other’s company) because…
A spa weekend could be stressful if your mate is ticked off. Two weeks in a sunny clime can be nice but your standout memory may be the messing around at the airport.
Some of my best birthdays were not built around events where we get to places at specific times. They were relaxed low pressure hangouts where we looked for something else when we were ready.
And I’m not anti-plans. I’m a rules-loving man who loves A Routine. If we’re meeting up though? Let’s just chat and goof around! Also…
I reached a point where I would be at an event and be thinking of how great the photos shared on socials afterwards would be. This is no way to live.
What cured me of this mindset was pictures never arriving (turns out life can go on just fine without snapshots of me on a stage or at a do). Or worse – images came but there was no single perfect shot. I looked odd or a friend was squinting or it was otherwise unflattering for one of us so it was kinder to not share it.
Not everything has to be marked with a picture. By all means, let’s get a group selfie when we meet, but I accept now that not all meetups will result in a new album on Facebook. After all…
Being online all the time has encouraged us to share everything. In the absence of jokes or insight to offer, the easiest thing to post is things from your life. Whether there is any value to doing this (for you or anyone else) is rarely considered. You need to feed the content machine. You don’t exist if you do not constantly dispatch missives from your world.
I think it is fine to put everything on the web if you want. But what little I have to report, I’ll just share with friends.
Similarly…
No one
needs to know you didn’t enjoy something
There is more than enough snark on the internet. In lieu of sharing something from your day, one sure-fire way to generate #content is to dismiss something. Denigrate someone’s looks or talent. Write off a movie that SUCKED.
It’s easy. Does it make you feel better? The dopamine hits of reactions may but they are fleeting.
The cliché is true – if you cannot say something nice, do not say anything at all. If I hated a show, you will never hear a word about it from me. However, if I adored something or appreciated an element of what they did, I’ll pass it on. I only put out recommendations.
Wouldn’t you exude that energy? Be an advocate and…
Enjoy
things unashamedly and wholeheartedly
I find it endearing when a friend is a fan of something to the extent it forms part of their identity. I can only dream of being so into something that the sight and thought of it brings you intense joy.
Granted, if your passion of choice is harmful, immoral, or illegal, I’m less inclined to encourage it, but otherwise, GO FOR IT. Buy the t-shirt, attend the convention. Decorate your life with what you like as…
It’s not a useless or frivolous purchase if it sparks joy (again, granted, unless it’s harmful, immoral, or illegal…)
Look, you don’t need a soap dish that looks like a lily pad (that said, now I’m picturing one, that does seem delightful). If it will make you smile every time you see it though, it is totally worth it.
It’s your money, your choice. So start that collection!
My vice? Blind bag of Lego minifigures. I don’t buy them constantly – I’m keen to ensure they remain a treat rather than routine – but if there’s a series or design that I like, I’ll buy one. I, quite literally…
Delight
in the small things
When I am on holiday, I take shots of my friends, but most of my pictures are of punning shop names, interesting museum plaques, or baffling graffiti.
It is the little things that stand out. The most inspiring speech may stir a crowd, but if the speaker’s voice accidentally cracked on the word ‘action’, you can bet that’s all I will recall.
Paying attention to details is a crucial quality for most jobs, but such awareness is important generally to ensure you always see interesting stuff. Focus and it will pay off. That applies to speaking too…
Have one
conversation at a time
One valuable lesson I learnt from practicing improv is that talking is not a competition. It is far more fulfilling to discuss one topic than taking it in turns to introduce your tangentially related anecdote.
I would rather we chat about one thing instead of several even if I have little to offer on a subject. If I ask questions that I am interested in getting answers to, I will never get bored, plus I might learn something. Not sure about this approach?
Try it,
you might like it
Ah, another irritating bit of homespun wisdom – and all the more annoying because it is true.
In my life, this initial reluctance has applied to pizza (hot bread topped with vegetables mixed with cheese? Sounds weird); table service (don’t make me talk to strangers!); customer support (don’t make me talk to angry strangers!).
As it turns out, pizza is great, stepping out from behind the bar to write down some food orders really helps my colleagues, and customer queries can be like mini mysteries to be solved! Albeit cases where the answer is often ‘it’s THERE. You already have it. You’re just looking in the wrong place!’.
You may actually enjoy bungee jumping, but you will not find out until you leap off the platform.
It’s
healthy to break routines
Being comfortable is not always good. You cannot stay in a hot bath forever because you will wrinkle and the water will go cold. Some conditions must change.
After the world reopened, I continued largely working from home. I was able to convince myself that staying in permanently was great and sporadic video calls were an adequate substitute for offline human interaction. Being inside was safe and who doesn’t like being safe?!
I have since been convinced to leave my room and commute in a few times a week. I now enjoy the benefits of something crucial for any job: someone to rant with.
You need
someone to affirm your shared experience
Whether it’s a sibling agreeing that aspects of your upbringing were stressful or a colleague co-signing your frustration that lunch break is mandated for 4PM, you need a second party to go ‘you’re right, that is weird’.
To vent instead of keeping in something toxic? It’s not just for noxious gases – it works for humans too.
If feeling heard is not sufficient, one possible solution to destress...
You need nights off (even from something fun)
Most of our day is spent at work, so naturally we’re desperate to make our nights worthwhile. That’s OUR time. We EARNT this.
Of course, your social life can be as draining as your job if you overschedule yourself. Just because you once agreed to commit Tuesdays to archery practice does not mean you are obliged to attend every week until you die. Grab an early night instead of your kit. Your body will thank you.
Speaking of slowing down…
It’s
better to be late than The Late (source: my granddad)
People would rather be put out by a delay than mourn you because your haste meant you didn't check for oncoming cars before stepping out into the road.
Semi-related…
Work to
your own timeline
I am thirty and have only recently found a stable job with office hours. Some of my Sixth Form peers are thirty and have houses / married / kids. Not only do we do things at our own pace, we may not have the same priorities.
Comparison is the thief of joy (source: Teddy Roosevelt). Work on yourself and you will be ready to, should you want it, get into a relationship or accept that promotion. To that end…
Continuity
can be an achievement.
Continuing to stay in one role or keeping up a hobby takes work. If you find where you are at satisfying, you do not need to level up. Some of us are content maintaining our little corner of the world. I am happy helping run an improv jam. I am not looking to become an improv teacher.
It is
okay to keep something as a hobby.
Self-explanatory.
Accept
your limits.
My grandma reiterates in most phone calls that she thinks I should be an actor.
Here is the thing – I know I have a limited range. I can do happy-go-lucky naïve waif or dry reserved dogsbody. I could work on expanding beyond them, but those are my sweet spots.
Would I turn down a run at the Edinburgh Fringe? Well, no, but…
Question
the Why of your desires
Playing at the Edinburgh Fringe seems to be quite a common career milestone among my performer peers. It is one I too occasionally covet, but when I consider the core appeal of that dream, it’s not the opportunity to be talent spotted nor the chance to bump into Them Off the Telly. No, it is the prospect of doing a show a lot of times. Which I can achieve for way cheaper at the Camden Fringe.
Not that I would ever discourage pals to head to Scottish stages. Not at all! If they want to…
Good for them. That’s not for me
Work a job with a purpose
Before I got my office job, I did a five-year stint as a restaurant bartender. I tolerated it in part because it was straightforward.
What do I do? Make drinks. How do I know I have done it well? The drink was correct and made quickly.
It was not anyone’s dream to be there, but you knew at the end of the shift that you had Achieved a Thing. It was also reassuring to remember that…
Nothing must
be for forever.
I accept that some people's options for change are limited by their finances, location, or family circumstances, but those that you can control, you can change.
You can drop out of the Tuesday night archery because the long drive sucks. You can leave a troupe if there’s toxic people. You can quit your unfulfilling job if the buddies that made it alright have all moved on.
Sometimes stability is not a good enough reason to maintain the status quo. Things change...
There is more than enough snark on the internet. In lieu of sharing something from your day, one sure-fire way to generate #content is to dismiss something. Denigrate someone’s looks or talent. Write off a movie that SUCKED.
It’s easy. Does it make you feel better? The dopamine hits of reactions may but they are fleeting.
The cliché is true – if you cannot say something nice, do not say anything at all. If I hated a show, you will never hear a word about it from me. However, if I adored something or appreciated an element of what they did, I’ll pass it on. I only put out recommendations.
Wouldn’t you exude that energy? Be an advocate and…
I find it endearing when a friend is a fan of something to the extent it forms part of their identity. I can only dream of being so into something that the sight and thought of it brings you intense joy.
Granted, if your passion of choice is harmful, immoral, or illegal, I’m less inclined to encourage it, but otherwise, GO FOR IT. Buy the t-shirt, attend the convention. Decorate your life with what you like as…
It’s not a useless or frivolous purchase if it sparks joy (again, granted, unless it’s harmful, immoral, or illegal…)
Look, you don’t need a soap dish that looks like a lily pad (that said, now I’m picturing one, that does seem delightful). If it will make you smile every time you see it though, it is totally worth it.
It’s your money, your choice. So start that collection!
My vice? Blind bag of Lego minifigures. I don’t buy them constantly – I’m keen to ensure they remain a treat rather than routine – but if there’s a series or design that I like, I’ll buy one. I, quite literally…
When I am on holiday, I take shots of my friends, but most of my pictures are of punning shop names, interesting museum plaques, or baffling graffiti.
It is the little things that stand out. The most inspiring speech may stir a crowd, but if the speaker’s voice accidentally cracked on the word ‘action’, you can bet that’s all I will recall.
Paying attention to details is a crucial quality for most jobs, but such awareness is important generally to ensure you always see interesting stuff. Focus and it will pay off. That applies to speaking too…
One valuable lesson I learnt from practicing improv is that talking is not a competition. It is far more fulfilling to discuss one topic than taking it in turns to introduce your tangentially related anecdote.
I would rather we chat about one thing instead of several even if I have little to offer on a subject. If I ask questions that I am interested in getting answers to, I will never get bored, plus I might learn something. Not sure about this approach?
Ah, another irritating bit of homespun wisdom – and all the more annoying because it is true.
In my life, this initial reluctance has applied to pizza (hot bread topped with vegetables mixed with cheese? Sounds weird); table service (don’t make me talk to strangers!); customer support (don’t make me talk to angry strangers!).
As it turns out, pizza is great, stepping out from behind the bar to write down some food orders really helps my colleagues, and customer queries can be like mini mysteries to be solved! Albeit cases where the answer is often ‘it’s THERE. You already have it. You’re just looking in the wrong place!’.
You may actually enjoy bungee jumping, but you will not find out until you leap off the platform.
Being comfortable is not always good. You cannot stay in a hot bath forever because you will wrinkle and the water will go cold. Some conditions must change.
After the world reopened, I continued largely working from home. I was able to convince myself that staying in permanently was great and sporadic video calls were an adequate substitute for offline human interaction. Being inside was safe and who doesn’t like being safe?!
I have since been convinced to leave my room and commute in a few times a week. I now enjoy the benefits of something crucial for any job: someone to rant with.
Whether it’s a sibling agreeing that aspects of your upbringing were stressful or a colleague co-signing your frustration that lunch break is mandated for 4PM, you need a second party to go ‘you’re right, that is weird’.
To vent instead of keeping in something toxic? It’s not just for noxious gases – it works for humans too.
If feeling heard is not sufficient, one possible solution to destress...
You need nights off (even from something fun)
Most of our day is spent at work, so naturally we’re desperate to make our nights worthwhile. That’s OUR time. We EARNT this.
Of course, your social life can be as draining as your job if you overschedule yourself. Just because you once agreed to commit Tuesdays to archery practice does not mean you are obliged to attend every week until you die. Grab an early night instead of your kit. Your body will thank you.
Speaking of slowing down…
People would rather be put out by a delay than mourn you because your haste meant you didn't check for oncoming cars before stepping out into the road.
Semi-related…
I am thirty and have only recently found a stable job with office hours. Some of my Sixth Form peers are thirty and have houses / married / kids. Not only do we do things at our own pace, we may not have the same priorities.
Comparison is the thief of joy (source: Teddy Roosevelt). Work on yourself and you will be ready to, should you want it, get into a relationship or accept that promotion. To that end…
Continuing to stay in one role or keeping up a hobby takes work. If you find where you are at satisfying, you do not need to level up. Some of us are content maintaining our little corner of the world. I am happy helping run an improv jam. I am not looking to become an improv teacher.
Self-explanatory.
My grandma reiterates in most phone calls that she thinks I should be an actor.
Here is the thing – I know I have a limited range. I can do happy-go-lucky naïve waif or dry reserved dogsbody. I could work on expanding beyond them, but those are my sweet spots.
Would I turn down a run at the Edinburgh Fringe? Well, no, but…
Playing at the Edinburgh Fringe seems to be quite a common career milestone among my performer peers. It is one I too occasionally covet, but when I consider the core appeal of that dream, it’s not the opportunity to be talent spotted nor the chance to bump into Them Off the Telly. No, it is the prospect of doing a show a lot of times. Which I can achieve for way cheaper at the Camden Fringe.
Not that I would ever discourage pals to head to Scottish stages. Not at all! If they want to…
Work a job with a purpose
Before I got my office job, I did a five-year stint as a restaurant bartender. I tolerated it in part because it was straightforward.
What do I do? Make drinks. How do I know I have done it well? The drink was correct and made quickly.
It was not anyone’s dream to be there, but you knew at the end of the shift that you had Achieved a Thing. It was also reassuring to remember that…
I accept that some people's options for change are limited by their finances, location, or family circumstances, but those that you can control, you can change.
You can drop out of the Tuesday night archery because the long drive sucks. You can leave a troupe if there’s toxic people. You can quit your unfulfilling job if the buddies that made it alright have all moved on.
Sometimes stability is not a good enough reason to maintain the status quo. Things change...
Relationships
end. Friends move away. Your supervisor can change department.
Sometimes
you will have to amuse yourself or be in charge of deciding what to work on. Make as
many friends as you can handle but accept that sometimes you will have to make
your own fun.
You are a unique complex individual with lots of thoughts and commitments and chores. And so is EVERYONE ELSE.
So yes, you won’t necessarily be on people’s minds all the time because they’re BUSY. However, this also means they’re probably not dwelling on that embarrassing thing you did that makes you cringe at night.
If you want to keep them in your sphere, great! Get in touch, acknowledge the occasional social media post, wish them a happy birthday (only on the day, obviously). If you do meet...
Tell people
how you are really feeling.
You are a unique complex individual with lots of thoughts and commitments and chores. And so is EVERYONE ELSE.
So yes, you won’t necessarily be on people’s minds all the time because they’re BUSY. However, this also means they’re probably not dwelling on that embarrassing thing you did that makes you cringe at night.
If you want to keep them in your sphere, great! Get in touch, acknowledge the occasional social media post, wish them a happy birthday (only on the day, obviously). If you do meet...
If asked ‘how
are you’, instead of completing the ritual with the expected ‘not bad. How are
you?’, I take a second, then answer honestly.
It’s important to know what energy or baggage someone is bringing to a room. I won’t know to be patient to someone if they did not tell me they had a bad night’s sleep.
You know why you might not sleep well? Pain, so...
You’re thirty, after all. You don’t want to fuck up your back.
It’s important to know what energy or baggage someone is bringing to a room. I won’t know to be patient to someone if they did not tell me they had a bad night’s sleep.
You know why you might not sleep well? Pain, so...
You’re thirty, after all. You don’t want to fuck up your back.
