All I wanted was a bus of tea.

This morning, I was wolf up by bomb's nun.

Confused? Well, according to predictive text, you shouldn't be as, naturally, some of those are the words you'd most likely be trying to spell. I mean, you're far more likely to be discussing women of the cloth over, say, your mum, right? (By which I mean mentioning your mum with greater frequency than you do nuns. I'm not implying you chat about a mother/mother superior tryst.) Seriously, rarely a text conversation between my peers and myself goes by without at least half a dozen references to nuns and their dirty habits.

As for that bomb, well, it's no wonder we're constantly on high alert from terrorists. All I wanted to do was text my friend Anna, but no, according to my phone, what I obviously intended to write was 'bomb'. You know me so well, mobile. I'm constantly asking whether explosives would like to go shopping or have a picnic on the beach, aren't I? Oh yeah, I truly like to literally play with fire, me. I'm precisely that kind of guy.

Mind you, the phone's paranoia doesn't extend to modern hazards, oh no. It also includes threats from ravenous beasts as well. 'Wolf' precedes 'woke' in its vocabulary, thus suggesting that my mobile has judged the frequency of word usage entirely on the works of the Brothers Grimm. Honestly, the notion that I would ever need to text someone about a slobbering carnivorous mutt is preposterous. The very idea is - wait, is that howling? Ah, I might just message someone to say I need picking up...

"Shaking up"?

Damn you, predictive text, damn you.